THE PSYCH WARD
(Written by The Psych Ward) Sep 12, 2008
The Psych Ward
Cole Slaw A.K.A. Lance Lyon
King Khaos A.K.A. Khalid Beard
VelvetJ A.K.A. Jacob Jones
Furiouslyread@gmail.com
EXT. --COUNTRY HOME-- SUNDAY AFTERNOON
Grandpa and a group of children are gathered around the radio on the front porch listening to their favorite program.
All of a sudden the radio turns off.
LITTLE BILLY
Dang it! Not again.
Grandpa’s rocking chair becomes still and the kids start to complain.
LITTLE BILLY
Man what’s wrong with this thing.
He turns it off and on but, no reception. The other kids get up and surround the radio as grandpa starts to rock back and forth in the chair again. Little Billy turns and screams at him.
LITTLE BILLY (CONT'D)
Hey papa do you know how to fix this.
PAPA
Well, back in my day we didn't have no fancy speaker boxes. I don’t reckon I could do much more than what you is doing right now.
LITTLE BILLY
Well what did you do for fun when you were a kid grandpa.
PAPA
Well we used to tell stories.
LITTLE BILLY
Wow! Do you have any stories grandpa?
The children run up to Grandpa’s rocking chair and form a perfect circle.
PAPA
Hell yeah bitch , I got a big ass black box of the rawest fucking stories you’ll ever hear.
LITTLE BILLY
Can I hear one.
The other kids chime in
PAPA
OK well you'll have to shut the fuck up and let your grandpap speak.
A long time ago their used to be a rap group that had the most gangster beats ever. There was just one problem.
LITTLE BILLY
What was that grandpa?
PAPA
If you would shut up a minute I'll tell you. You see these guys were locked up in a mental hospital. A place they keep crazy people.
LITTLE BILLY
Were they crazy?
PAPA
Not as crazy as I'm going to get while I’m whooping your ass cause you can’t keep your trap shut. They were so crazy that they decided to try their luck at breaking out of this maximum security Psychiatric Ward.
INT. --SAINT SEDATED -- NIGHT
An old man with long grey hair is walking down a hall jingling keys in his hand.
INT. --SEWAGE PIPE-- NIGHT
A man is crawling down a long sewage pipe with a flashlight in his hands. He frequently stops to vomit.
INT. --PSYCH WARD-- NIGHT
The guy with the keys in his hand walks up to a cell and pears through the window. Through the slot is a black man strapped to a bed staring at the wall. The door then opens and the old man walks in and places a black and mild in the mouth of the inmate and begins to light it and unbuckle the harnesses that were keeping him strapped to the bed. The two then leave the room and head down the hall towards a cell at the end with a sign above the door the reads “Do Not Open -really fucked in the head-” The old man slides back the slot on the front of the cell door and looks through it. The cell is decorated in a late eighteenth century decor with a man in a large purple robe eating a bowl of cereal and watching a flat screen television placed above the fireplace.(later to find the old man is Cole Slaws father)
INT. --SEWAGE PIPE-- NIGHT
There is light at the end of the tunnel as a man crawls faster through the brown sludge with turds on his head.
VELVET J
Thirty more yards and I'm threw wid this shit hole FOREVER!!!!
INT. --SAINT SEDATED-- NIGHT
The door to the forbidden cell opens and The inmate and the old man step inside.
Cole slaw notices through his bad ass gangster vision someone is about to step on his rug then puts his silky pimp finger out to indicate no!
COLE SLAW
Halt! Take your shoes off. This rug was my grandmothers and was maid of Indonesia silk particles pubic hairs of a monastery monk woven into it. Who the fuck are you and how did you get in here.
The inmate King Khaos puts his hand across the old mans chest keeping him from stepping on the rug.
KING KHAOS
Hold up player! Are you Cole Slaw the beat Master?
Cole Slaw sips the milk from his cereal bowl leaving a white mustache across his mouth.
COLE SLAW
Who wants to know.
Khaos sips his black and mild blowing out a drag.
KING KHAOS
I’m breaking you out tonight you are a free man on one condition. You have to make king worthy beats for me and my partner to rap to.
Cole slaw looks at the old man then King Khaos.
COLE SLAW
Fuck you bitch. What do I get?
The old man is laughing at what is on the television. Not paying attention to the conversation going on between Khaos and the beat master Cole Slaw.
KHAOS
Money, power respect pussy on tap and fat asses I know you like fat asses I can tell.
Cole Slaw still does not look convinced
KING KHAOS
I got some weed and Henessey.
Cole Slaw drops the bowl of cereal on his rug.
COLE SLAW
I haven't smoked in centuries.
KING KHAOS
Are you down?
Cole Slaw stands up and walks toward King Khaos with an intent look on his face.
COLE SLAW
Let’s do the damn thing.
The old man unlocks the front doors for Khaos and Cole Slaw.
OLD MAN
Well this is the end of the line for me boys.
KING KHAOS
You don’t want to leave this place.
OLD MAN
I can’t I’ve been here too long. I couldn't survive out there. The world’s changed since I’ve been in here. I just ask one thing from you boys.
KING KHAOS
Anything old man just name it.
OLD MAN
Well maybe just a post card every now and then to let me know how you boys are doing.
KING KHAOS
You got it.
OLD MAN
Well and maybe just a flask of whiskey and some cigarettes maybe a dub of cocaine and some pornos, gangbang style no fatties.
Cole Slaw looks a Khaos
COLE SLAW
Let’s go smoke.
The Two head toward the road in front of the Psych Ward as a beat up old car slams to a stop down the road beside a drainage pipe. Velvet J comes out of the pipe and watches Khaos and Cole Slaw walk toward him. Velvet jumps in the car and it squeals to a stop beside Cole and Khaos and the two get in the back of the car.
INT. --CAR-- NIGHT
VELVET J
How the fuck how did you get out.
KING KHAOS
The old man had some keys.
VELVET J
You weren't going to tell me.
KING KHAOS
You said crawling through that pipe of shit was the only way out. You planed that shit for years I wasn't going to fuck up your plans.
VELVET J
Fuck you Khaos.
KING KHAOS
Damn you smell like shit.
Velvet J turns around and looks at King Khaos with toilet paper and shit on his head.
VELVET J
That’s cause I’m top shit bitch.
COLE SLAW
(Repeats) Top Shit (thinks off in the distance)
King Khaos catches the eye of the driver while she was looking in the rearview mirror.
KING KHAOS
Who’s the ho?
VELVET J
This is my soon to be wife Crystol. We met on E Harmony. She’s been nice enough to shack us up for a few weeks until we can get them greenbacks growing.
COLE SLAW
We got to go by my boy Raw Slaw’s crib first and pick up my beat machine.
VELVET J
I’m sure Crystol don’t mind rolling over to your boys for a few.
Crystol Puts a cigarette in her mouth and for the first time her face is shown revealing a cleft upper lip. She lights the cigarette and blows out a drag then replies in a mans voice. (Girl is Velvet J in drag)
CRYSTOL
I don’t give a shit.
COLE SLAW
Take a cleft up here. I mean left up here.
KING KHAOS
Stop right hair, I mean here!
Crystol jerks the wheel sending everyone to one side of the car as it skids into the turn.
INT. --SAINT SEDATED HOSPITAL-- LATER THAT NIGHT
Hospital security and FBI agents in suits surround a television as they watch camera footage of the inmates escaping.
INT. --RAW SLAW’S CRIB-- NIGHT
Raw Slaw A guy with long hair stands in the middle of the room playing a guitar while another dude is sitting on the couch with his head tilted back and his eyes shut.
DUDE ON COUCH
I see my third eye right now man.
Still playing the guitar Raw Slaw looks up with eyes closed as a total black screen turns into a kaleidoscope of colors spiraling around two blue shimmering alien heads. Raw Slaw then opens his eyes and the room is starting to shake as the walls melt.
RAW SLAW
I’m tripping hard.
The door bell rings and Raw Slaws face looks terrified by the sound. He runs up the peep hole and sees Cole Slaws eye staring at him.
RAW SLAW (CONT’D)
Oh shit! Who is it?
COLE SLAW
It’s Cole Slaw bitch!
RAW SLAW
No, it’s not! Cole Slaw’s dead.
COLE SLAW
I’m not dead I’ve just been in a mental Hospital.
RAW SLAW
What’s the pass word.
Cole Slaw turns and looks at King Khaos.
COLE SLAW
I got weed muther fucker!
A second goes by and the door unlocks then opens.
RAW SLAW
It is you. Well I’ll be a crab in Cindy Crawford’s bush. I thought you were dead.
Cole Slaw steps in the apartment leading the rest of the entourage behind him. The apartment is a wreck. Beer bottles cover the kitchen Cole Slaw lifts his head up.
COLE SLAW
It smells like shit in here.
VELVET J
That would be me. Can I use your shower?
RAW SLAW
Yeah man around the corner.
Velvet J heads to the restroom.
COLE SLAW
You still have my beat machine don’t you.
RAW SLAW
Absolutely it’s back in the laboratory. You haven't seen my specimens yet follow me.
Raw Slaw and Cole Slaw head the a back room as King Khaos and Crystol sit on the couch beside the dude who still hasn't moved. Velvet J runs in the room with a naked baby in his arms.
VELVET J
Help! Somebody call 911 this baby was lying face down in the bath and it’s not breathing.
Raw Slaw runs back in the living room.
RAW SLAW
Oh that's my nephew he’s just playing with you.
VELVET J
I don’t think so man he’s not breathing.
Raw Slaw steps on the baby’s stomach sending a stream of water out it’s mouth. The baby then begins to cough.
RAW SLAW
See man I told you.
He picks the baby up by the leg and throws it against a backboard into a crib across the room and the guy who was still not moving says “its good”. Raw Slaw then runs over to a cat sitting on the kitchen table and fills the bowl up with milk.
RAW SLAW
There you go Mr. Pookie.
He pets the cat then turns it upside down and starts rubbing his stomach sending hair flying across the kitchen table. Cole Slaw walks up.
COLE SLAW
Fuck that pussy! Were is the beat machine.
INT. --RAW SLAW’S CLOSET-- NIGHT
Raw Slaw flips the light switch to his closet exposing a laboratory of mushroom growth.
RAW SLAW
This hybrid right here-
Raw Slaw Holds up a jar with a giant mushroom in it
RAW SLAW
His name is popa top. I had the spores flown in from Hawaii.
Raw Slaw hands Cole Slaw a small black piece of electronic equipment that has a few buttons and knobs on it and is mostly covered in cat hair. Cole Slaw takes the beat box and plugs it into the wall outlet. The small device lights up and Cole Slaw stares at it intensely. He then presses two buttons and turns a knob producing a beat that causes Raw Slaw to bob his head. Mean while in Raw Slaw’s living room King Khaos is trying to distance himself from crystol who is seductively staring at him on the couch.
CRYSTOL
So How does a stud muffin like you get put in a Psych Ward.
Khaos is looking at crystol through the corner of his eye while he is breaking apart a cigar over a plate.
KING KHAOS
Well I guess it’s cuz some dick head judge thought I was crazy.
CRYSTOL
How could anyone get an impression like that from such a sexy pimp like you.
A waving mirage consumes the picture as King Khaos goes back in time.
INT.-- KING KHAOS’S CRIB --NIGHT
King Khaos sits on a leather couch as Rap music is playing in the background. The room is cloudy due to the weed smoke there are half a dozen pre-rolled blunts on the coffee table along with a hundred pack of ecstasy and a couple of ounces of cocaine. On the couch beside King Khaos topless women are practicing murder on the Play Station 3 game Resistance. King Khaos has on a pair of clean white kicks, Jeans, and a wife beater tank top exposing his punisher tatoo. There is a picture of Jesus on the wall crying. His pistol sits in his lap and his automatic shotgun leans on the couch. The video gaming is disturbed by a knock at the door. The blonde on the couch raises her head up from the table with her nose covered in white powder.
BLONDE GIRL
This is some good shit, can I have some more.
KING KHAOS
Yeah whatever, when ya’ll hoes leaving?
ASIAN GIRL
When we get paid and the meter’s running.
King Khaos looks at the Asian with pure disgust on his face.
KING KHAOS
Who was talking to you bitch? Get in the kitchen and make me some pho. I told you hoes we were gonna party at my crib. Now I supplied the party. You think I’m finna pay you to snort, pop, and smoke my shit? Please, fucking boppers.
King khaos is so intoxicated he stares the girls down with a cock eye then thrusts his shoulders foward.
BLONDE GIRL
Well, we thought that was kinda understood.
KING KHAOS
The word money never came out of my mutha fuckin mouth. I used to be a pimp. I’m just trying to show ya’ll a good time. I ain’t no punk ass trick from the club bitch. You ain’t nothing but a bopper. That’s why I don’t go the strip no more.
LATIN GIRL
I thought you was a “King” papi, what happen to that. Sounds like you’re just another broke “Mallate” (nigger in Spanish).
Girls laugh and King Khaos also laughs sarcastically with them. Another knock comes from the door.
KING KHAOS
Ya’ll here that shit? Is somebody at the door? (to latina) Say shorty, go see who that is since you got jokes and wanna be paid..
LATIN GIRL
Ok, Papi (sarcastically)
The latin girl walks to the door twisting her ass covered by a thin thong and looks through the peep hole on the door.
LATIN GIRL (CONT’D)
I don’t see nobody.
Khaos’s head makes a small twitch and a blank stare comes across his face. The Latin girl turns back to Khaos.
LATIN GIRL (CONT’D)
Nobody, either you’re hearing things or somebody’s fucking around with you.
Khaos pauses the game and begins reaching for his shotgun as the Latin girl starts walking back.
Khaos’s back faces the door as he takes a couple more puffs of the blunt and a bump of coke. Boom!
A loud shotgun blast erupts as the latina’s right tit is shredded.
The Girls scream and start running toward the door as they grab their clothes.
The girls are screaming trying to get out but are unable to get all 5 dead bolts going the right way.
The apartment is now covered in blood and bodies ravaged by bullet holes. Outside the apartment window sirens sound as cops pull up to Khaos’s crib.
Khaos stands, covered in blood and powder burns, still with the blunt in his mouth and coke on his nose he runs out the door and hops in his BMW 525i speeding out of the parking garage of his uptown Dallas Apt.
He heads to the trinity river bridge pulling to a stop beside it.
He gets out of the BMW and walks to the edge of the bridge and looks down.
It looks as if he might jump but, instead drops the weapons over the side gets back into his car and drives off into the sunset.
INT. --ECCO LOUNGE-- NIGHT
Later that night Khaos is kicking it at his favorite club ecco Lounge sipping on Grey Goose and watching boppers bounce that ass.
Khaos does not know that the Feds and undercover cops were in Ecco as well. As he takes a sip of his drink he is bumped on the dance floor.
KING KHAOS
What the fuck?
UNDER COVER COP
You got a problem?
KING KHAOS
Yeah mother fucker, you owe me a drink.
UNDER COVER COP
And just who are you?
KING KHAOS
I’m Khaos bitch, the King
Khaos raises his glass to indicate the drink had spilled on him showing a wet spot on his shirt.
Then there is a CLICK sound as the under cover officer puts handcuffs on Khaos’s wrist. Khaos then pulls back as Multiple under-covers put their weapons in Khaos’s face.
The people in the club notice and begin to scream and run out as the music stops.
All the black and Hispanic people vacate leaving only the white bartenders and off beat white girls dancing with each other despite having no music.
KING KHAOS (CONT’D)
Ain’t that a bitch.
INT. --DALLAS MUNICIPAL COURT-- MORNING
The outside steps of the Dallas County Courthouse lead to the inside of the courtroom for the preliminary hearing for the murder of the 6 strippers from Jaguar’s.
Khaos is dressed in the regular jumpsuit and shackled at the wrists and ankles. The courtroom is empty.
Other than courtroom personnel, Khaos and his peon looking public defender the courtroom is completely empty.
PUBLIC DEFENDER
Don’t you have any friends or family?
Khaos looks up as a box appears above his head with a mug shot of one of his friends.
That mug shot is then placed in front of an empty chair as more mug shots fill up the empty seats until all seats are covered with mug shot photos and a jail cell door slams over the photos.
One of the mug shots enlarges to the size of the screen. The man is skinny and grinning for the picture holding up a number.
EXT. --PRISON-- DAY
Multiple inmates are in the recreation yard beside a bench press lifting weights.
One of the inmates finishes his lift and stands up from the bench then flexes his chest and turns to the other inmates
BUFF PRISONER
When I get out this ho I’m going to the strip club everyday. I’m going to find a Ho and pimp that bitch.
A skinny built prisoner is standing in the circle of larger ones doing curls intensely.
SKINNY PRISONER
Hey man pimping ain’t that easy.
The larger prisoner looks down at the skinny one.
BUFF PRISONER
What the fuck do you know about pimping you skinny little bitch.
SKINNY PRISONER
My home boy used to pimp.
The skinny prisoner drops his dumbbell's as the other prisoners laugh.
INT. --DALLAS MUNICIPAL COURT-- MORNING
The public defender looks at the prosecutors side of the courtroom and then leans towards Khaos’s ear.
PUBLIC DEFENDER
Apparently the strippers didn't have any friends or family either.
EXT. --PRISON-- DAY
SKINNY PRISONER
About the 8 strippers’ their only friends were pimps, customers, and other strippers who secretly really don’t like them and just took there customers.
INT. --STRIPP CLUB-- NIGHT
Loud music plays as fog reflects in the black lights as a young stripper walks across the floor toward an old man.
STRIPPER
I have photos of us fucking and I’m gonna send them to the papers and your wife’s job if you don’t give me $100,000.
JUDGE
Ok, ok. Give me a couple weeks ok.
STRIPPER
That’s what I like to hear.
INT. -COURTROOM-- DAY
Khaos winks at the prosecution then leans to his attorney and has an evil smile
KHAOS
We’re going with insanity, trust me.
ATTORNEY
What? How? What the fuck are you gonna prove that?
KHAOS
Just watch bitch.
BAILIFF
All rise, the honorable Judge Dick Short residing.
Chamber door opens and a bald, past his prime Mills Lane look alike emerges and slightly trips as he walks up the step to his seat. Khaos snickers inaudibly
JUDGE
The court calls for the case of the people vs. Khalid Beard for the murder of 8 women in cold blood. How do you plea.
Khaos begins to drool on himself and keep one eye closed. He stands with his attorney.
ATTORNEY
Your honor, my client can’t be tried on the ground that he is (Khaos begins to urinate on himself) well, insane.
Khaos slaps himself and then picks his nose and puts the booger on his attorney’s suit.
ASSISTANT DA
Your honor he’s acting!
JUDGE
I order the defendant to undergo test to see if he is fit to stand trial.
Gavel sounds as Khaos is led off. The Bailiff tries not to even touch him as Khaos farts when he get near.
KHAOS
Bye Bye Judge Short Dick.
Door closes behind them as King Khaos finishes his blunt puts it in his mouth and lights it. As the blunt begins to burn Cole Slaw walks in for Raw Slaw’s room with a giant mushroom in one hand and a beat machine in the other.
COLE SLAW
I smell weed. Let me hit that shit.
Velvet J jumps out of the shower runs to the living room naked with his dick tucked between his legs.
VELVET J
Wait a minute mother Fucker I got next.
Every one’s face turns to a disgusted look as King Khaos passes the blunt to cole Slaw.
KING KHAOS
Go get dressed you baby dicked mother Fucker.
VELVET J
Why are you looking at my mangina are you gay.
KHAOS
You ain't hitting shit till you put some clothes on.
Velvet J turns around with his dick and balls still tucked between his legs and walks away.
VELVET J
I’m going to join a nudist colony and smoke weed everyday and nobody can come over and smoke with me.
KING KHAOS
Ok.
Crystol turns and looks at Cole slaw and smiles. Cole Slaw stares directly at her cleft lip and immediately turns away.
CRYSTOL
So Cole Slaw, Khaos told me how he ended up in the Psych Ward. What’s your story sexy.
Cole Slaw coughs and avoids looking at Crystol and takes another hit holds it in.
COLE SLAW
Well, were I come from drugs are big and I was the biggest sellar. I sold Everything but, the most popular product I sold was pcp. I was never really in to that sort of thing until one day I just decided to take a taste.
INT. -COLE SLAW’S CRIB-- NIGHT
Cole Slaw stands in the living room in front of a table with a brick of PCP sitting on it. Some of his homies stand around the table dressed in black and wearing gold ropes around their necks. Cole Slaw begins eating a piece of pizza starring at the brick on the table some one’s finger moves toward the brick.
COLE SLAW
What the fuck Ray Ray!
Cole Slaw throws the pizza at Ray Ray’s face.
COLE SLAW
Nobody touches my PCP but me.
Ray Ray starts to cry.
RAY RAY
Ya, Ya, You don’t even like PCP.
COLE SLAW
You shut your little mouth! I love PCP.
Cole Slaw moves towards the brick on the table and slowly extends his finger toward the brick and touches the top of it. He then looks at his finger and at the people around him. Slowly he touches his finger to his tongue. His eyes dilate and a bead of sweat runs down his face. Two minutes later Cole Slaw is holding a large foil pipe with a hunk PCP in it. He takes a hit and walks to the table and begins breaking what is left of the brick up and snorting it. Ray Ray walks up to Cole Slaw and puts his hand on his shoulder.
RAY RAY
Hey Cole I know you love PCP but maybe you should save a little.
Cole Slaw turns around with glowing red eyes and breathing heavy. He pushes Ray Ray out of the way and runs through the glass door and off the balcony porch. His homies run to the porch and find him on the ground three levels down. In slow motion cole Slaw gets up and runs to the parking lot and begins to pick up cars and move them.
Four hours later he is cornered against a brick wall with spot lights on him and he is exchanging words with an officer on a megaphone.
COLE SLAW
You will never take me alive!!!!!!!
POLICE OFFICER
Your rain of terror is over.
CoLE SLAW
You don’t know what I am made of!!!!
POLICE OFFICER
Hit him with the bean bags boys.
The spot lights shine on him as cops bring him down with bean bags, tranquilizers and a net. Cole Slaw screams in the flashback as well as into the room where he is shaking.
INT. --RAW SLAW’S CRIB-- NIGHT
CRYSTOL
Calm down boo. You are safe for the time being.
She tries to hug him and comfort him but he snaps out of his insanity and runs from the beast.
VELVET J
HEY MAN!!! Keep your arms off my lady!!!
COLE SLAW
Trust me man. I would NEVER lay a finger on her.
CRYSTOL
Oh baby, you know I am your girl. Any man who has gone through what you have and lived is strong enough to be mine forever. I would never hurt you. You have seen enough violence through those beautiful brown eyes for an entire life time.
VELVET J
I don’t want to talk about it.
CRYSTOL
Baby these are your friends they deserve to know.
VELVET J
It is not something I like to share with people!!!
CRYSTOL
But sweet Pea its part of the healing process just like in that Dr. Phil book.
VELVET J
For the last time Dr. Phil is not in this relationship!!! As soon as he starts sucking my cock and helping with the rent he might get a say so but as long as he is just writing books that YOU have to pay for that mutha fucka aint SHIT to me and I am not about to live my life by his books!!!
COLE SLAW
Could you just get on with it man! Tell the fucking story. People wanna know.
VELVET J
Okay, Okay man. I am sorry dude. Its just hard.
Cole and Khaos give Velvet a hard stare as he tries to pull his shit together and starts the story in a very muffled, near sobbing voice.
VELVET J
It, it all started at a very young age......
INT. -- VELVET J’S CHILDHOOD HOME -- EVENING
Many screams echo in the next room as a little boy sits down playing a game of battle-ship all by himself. His parents fighting in the next room but the seven year old child plays as if he is oblivious. The child appears normal on the but is clearly deeply disturbed.
JACOB
E-13 General Velvet
The child runs to the other side of the table and places the peg in his board.
VELVET J
Looks like you miss again bitch!
JACOB
Aww shucks!! Go ahead pal its your turn.
VELVET J
No shit dumbass! That's why I am gonna call F-9 and take out your Main Ship!! And if I calculated correctly that means that all your ships are sunk and I have made you my bitch once again!!!
JACOB
How do you always beat me? You must be cheating!!!
VELVET J
Strong words coming from a little pip-squeek like you!
JACOB
You didn't miss a single peg. Not one! I know you have looked at my board!!!
Throughout the entire dispute parents scream HORRIBLE threats of violence in the background.
VELVET J
You are asking for another beating boy!
JACOB
I am not afraid of you!
Jacob dives into a mirror smashing his face as it starts to bleed the mirror crashed to the floor as the boys thrashes himself about the room knocking over things at random as he struggles with himself.
You hear faint footsteps while the Velvet J beats himself. His father burst down the door with anger in his eyes and a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He is a skinny man with a large beer-belly.
He is wearing tightie whities and a wife beater with tons of stains on both of them.
FATHER
What the hell is all the racket boy! Can’t you see I am trying to beat your mother! Why you gonna interrupt me boy? Is it cause you too want in on the beating?
The child looks around the room and then points to himself saying
JACOB
He did it.
The fathers eyes fill with the fire of only that a man with little patience could flame. His child suffers from multiple personalities and due to the fathers wholesome Christian raising he believes he can beat the child into sanity. He picks up the boy covered in blood and flings him over his knee and spanks his with his open palm.
FATHER
This is what's best for you boy! I’m gonna beat the devil out of ya. Spare the rod spoil the child. The power of Christ compels you. This is what my pa did for me and look at how good I turned out! Don’t you wanna be normal like your pa.......
The child is clearly much bigger than the father and easily slips from his reach. He then runs into the bath room and locks the door behind him.
The father yells many obscenities at the boy through to door but, its slowly fades out as the camera focuses on Velvet J on the toilet crying.
His sobs transcend back into Raw Slaw’s Apartment where Crstyol is petting Velvet J.
KHAOS
Now, I have heard some shit in my time but that could make even the coldest gangster shed a tear!
COLE SLAW
You got that right.... That was so fucked up...
Cole slaw is snickering Khaos hits Cole in the stomach
COLE SLAW
I mean, that was really sad man. I feel for you bro.....
The entire room is full of silence and every one is gloomy eyed. Raw Slaw stands up abruptly and looks at everyone in the room seriously.
RAW SLAW
Weren't you guys supposed to be getting Raw?
The team of mismatched fugitives look at each other with determination and nod there heads.
KING KHAOS
Its time to make some music guys!
EXT. --PARKING LOT-- NIGHT
A honda accord peels out into the night. The car is driving down a stretch of road for quite sometime and everyone in the car is silent. They drive for a moment in the darkness when Cole Slaw grabs his crotch and moans.
COLE SLAW
I got to piss.
The 3 agree to pull over at a gas station that is ahead of them.
EXT. --GAS STATION-- NIGHT
Once at the gas station Cole goes straight to the toilet but in his rushed state of mind he failed to notice that he entered the women’s restroom.
As Kahos and velvet wait for the car to fill up with gas. Cole Slaw is urinating all over the toilet seat as he gets excited with the PSP game he is playing.
In the stall beside him he hears a moan. The moan intensifies and grows louder. Cole Slaw stops playing the game and starts to look over at the stall beside him.
As he finishes his tinkle he walks over the stall and listens as the moan starts to turn into a scream the a loud awkward fart.
The fart sound grows into a spraying splashing sound then back into a fart. There is a slight pause.
A womanish voice resinates from the stall beside Cole Slaw. A surprised look then comes across his face. He bends over and looks at a pair of pumps and fishnet stockings.
SHITTNG WOMAN
What the Fuck?! Shit! Excuse me, do you have any toilet paper I have seem to run out.
Cole Slaw looks impressed by the ladies voice and rips the roll off the wall and hands it to her from under the stall
SHITTNG WOMAN
Thank you you’re a life saver.
Clearing his throat He then replies in a womanish voice
COLE SLAW
No problem.
The woman then flushes and opens the stall doors. Cole Slaw stands on the toilet as the woman stops half way out and looks under the stall.
She washes her hands and checks her makeup then looks under the stall one more time and a quizzical look comes across her face as once again she sees no legs. As the door closes Cole Slaw starts to step down then slips in his urine and falls back against the door causing it to fly open as Cole Slaw slams into a wall.
The gas pump clicks off as Velvet and cleans the back window to the car. King Chaos drops his jaw as the woman from the rest room comes out of the gas station.
KING KHAOS
Damn baby you working hard to impress me with that walk.
Velvet J stops and gazes at the woman as she gets into her car and drives off. Cole Slaw then comes running out of the gas station.
COLE SLAW
Wait!
He runs up to Khaos and grabs him on the shoulder.
COLE SLAW
Did you see her? We have to go get her.
KING KHAOS
Whoa! Chill mother Fucker.
Khaos begins to shake Cole Slaw.
COLE SLAW
No! You don’t understand she has the sexiest voice in the world I must have her on my album.
Velvet J puts the nozzle to the gas pump up and opens the door to the Honda.
VELVET J
Well lets go get her.
The three of them jump in the car and peel after the woman.
VELVET J
Damn I wish my radio wasn't jacked it’s the perfect time for a jam.
Khaos stares at a hole in the dash were a radio once was.
COLE SLAW
Have no fear the beat master is here.
Cole Slaw pulls out the beat machine and begins to twist it’s Knobs and push it’s buttons to produce the most gangster beat ever. The three begin bobbing there heads to he beat.
VELVET J
Hold up about to freestyle kick it up a hundred miles an hour
Velvet J then looks around the car as is if puzzled about what to say next
VELVET J
Maybe we can stop for some sweet and sour.
He pauses for a second and looks around again and noticed Khaos and cole Slaw have stopped bobbing their heads
VELVET J
Chicken cause I’m gettin all kinds of hungry.
KING KHAOS
Why don't you just sit this one out.
VELVET J
Yeah, I really wasn't feeling that one either.
The woman in the car pulls up to the gates of a large house. The Gates then open and Velvet J follows her in. Pulled up in front of the house are many luxury cars. Velvet J squeals to a stop beside the lady they had been following.
COLE SLAW
Yo! Yo! Baby! How would you like to sing for our rap label.
SHITTNG WOMAN
I’m sorry I can’t sing.
COLE SLAW
You don’t have to.
The woman looks at Cole Slaw like she doesn't understand a word he’s saying.
COLE SLAW
Just make that sexy moan you were doing earlier.
At first she doesn’t understand what Cole Slaw is talking about then she sneezes. Cole Slaw pulls out some tissue from his pocket and as she reaches for it their eyes meet and a toilet in the distance flushes as they exchange sexual glares.
SHITTNG WOMAN
What's the name of your band?
Cole Slaw looks at Velvet and Velvet looks at King Khaos who the clears his throat and responds in a low gruff voice.
KING KHAOS
The Psych Ward!
VELVET J
Yeah, you know? Aint you heard us on the radio be-fo?
COLE SLAW
We need a female vocalist! I insist you come with us!
Cole Slaw then brings a gun into view and aims it at the women’s chest. A puzzled and surprised look comes across the face of velvet and khaos.
SHITTNG WOMAN
Are you guys serious? Put that gun down!!!!! Did you guys say you were rappers?
THE PSYCH WARD
YES!!!
SHITTNG WOMAN
You guys dont need a gun or nothing to make me come with you! I am a complete slut! I have been in this business before!! You remeber that song “whoop der it is”? Well, they rain a train on me in the early 90s. That was the just the start. But any ways. I’ll sing and suck your dicks! Lets Role!!!
The Psych Ward look at each other and with out speaking motion the girl to the vehicle and hit the road again.
At this point there is a montage of all 3 members of the ward servicing and getting serviced by the shitting women. It is graphic as fuck but, done in shadows. Once on the road and running from the law the psych ward decide to get jobs to make some money for the time being.
INT. -- CHEAP MOTEL -- DAY
Cole walks in with a six pack of beer.
COLE SLAW
Want a beer?
VELVETJ
I don’t know if I should. I got to get a job tomorrow.
Khaos then enters the room.
KHAOS
Well, I got some money niggas.
VELVETJ
What how?
Khaos said all he was gonna do is sell coke. In the end Cole and J fail to get jobs because they never leave the apartment. The two are surprised to see Khaos has made enough money selling coke to continue Music in: (I got That)
With enough cash to live on for a while we commence a writing session for the album.
VELVETJ
Yo guys I feel like all this coke I’ve been doing really just makes me want to get away for a while and think about what life really means.
KHAOS
That was’nt coke that was allergy pills.
VELVETJ
What?
KHAOS
Yeah I just crushed it up and sold it as coke.
VelvetJ walks to the door.
VELVETJ
I feel sleepy.
Velvetj leans against the door.
VELVETJ
Later guys.
INT. -CABIN-- NIGHT
Velvet J is at his summer gig as a counselor. He opens the cabin door and hears wall to wall screams. He flips the light on and twelve 10-12 year old boys fly across the bunk beds to pretend as if they had been fast asleep.
VELVET J
I thought I told you guys to go to bed.
Velvet J exhales then hears a whimper coming from the bunk bed in the far right corner of the cabin.
VELVET J
Alright guys what did you do to Joey.
CHUCK
We didn't do shit! Joey is just being a little bitch.
VELVET J
Hey you watch your mouth Chance. That is a demerit.
Velvet J approaches Joey and touches his shoulder. Just then Joey turns around and squirts the cabin counselor in the face with water. The cabin erupts in laughter.
VELVET J
O.K. What is it going to take to get you guys asleep.
CHUCK
Tell us a ghost story
The others in the cabin chime in “yeah ghost story.”
VELVET J
I’m not aloud to tell ghost stories you know that.
JOEY
We aren't going to rat you out.
The other kids chime in “Yeah”
VELVET J
Maybe just one.
The kids begin to cheer.
VELVET J
Only if you promise to not say a word as I am telling the story and after I’m done. You have to go to sleep.
The kids in unison ‘Yeah we promise.” The lights are flipped out as velvet j holds a mag light up to his face.
VELVET J
Back when I was just a boy about the age yall are My grandfather would take me deer hunting.
Ten minutes has passed the kids look intensely at velvet J waiting for him to finish what he was saying.
VELVET J
So after my grandfather killed the wild homeless person by cutting him taint to throat he gave the knife to me and said..
KID
What’s a taint?
Velvet J points the flashlight into the bunks
VELVET J
I thought I said no talking.
CHUCK
It is the space between your balls and your asshole. You know the one you never wipe.
The kids bust out into luaghter.
VELVET J
I guess you don’t want me to finish.
The kids Moan and complain.
KIDS
Finish!
VELVET J
So he hands me the knife and says the words..
INT. -CAMP DIRECTOR’S OFFICE-- MORNING
CAMP DIRECTOR
Velvet J please come in and have a seat. I understand you told ghost story last night.
VELVET J
It didn't have any ghosts in it and it wasn't scary. It is just some lame old story my Grandfather told me.
CAMP DIRECTOR
You can rest assure it was’nt lame the kids have been going around all morning talking about it.
VELVET J
I really didn't think it was that good.
The camp director looks down at his desk and sighs.
CAMP DIRECTOR
Did you happen to mention anything to the kids about...
The camp director acts embarrassed as he point down at his crotch.
VELVET J
What? Your dick
CAMP DIRECTOR
No!
VELVET J
Your balls your asshole! What man?
CAMP DIRECTOR
It starts with a t.
VELVET J
Taint.
Camp director nods.
VELVET J
What’s wrong with the taint?
The camp directors gasps.
CAMP DIRECTOR
You will watch your mouth here. This is a Christian camp you son of a bitch.
VELVET J
It’s not a genital or even a curse word. It’s just a strip of skin. I did’nt even tell them about it. Chuck was the one who knew what it was. He told the cabin.
CAMP DIRECTOR
Just when I think I can trust a person. Don’t blame pure innocent children for your filthy mouth you sorry sac of shit. Look some of these kids probably know everything there is about sex including; oral, anal, masturbation (in low voice) vaginal but, I’ll be goddamned if I hear innocent children mumbling the word taint. Pack your shit you are going home.
A shocked look runs across velvet J’s face.
VELVET J
Sir, I have to perform at the talent show tonight. The children are in my act and will be lost without me.
CAMP DIRECTOR
Did you not hear me? You are fucking fired.
Velvet J turns and walks away. He opens the cabin door and there is another counselor in there talking to the children. As Velvet J opens the door the faces of the children light up. Velvet J hangs his head as he walks into the cabin.
CHUCK
What’s wrong?
Velvet J looks at the other counselor then at the child.
VELVET J
I got fired.
CHUCK
What the fuck? That’s bullshit. So that means you are not our counselor anymore.
JOEY
They can’t.
VELVET J
They can and they did. I’ll be seeing you guys.
Velvet J grabs his bags and heads out the door. Joey runs out to catch up with Velvet J as the other counselor screams.
COUNSELOR
You can’t leave your bunk during nap time.
Joey runs up and hugs Velvet J.
VELVET J
It’s cool little buddy just hear the music in your head and you will be fine.
EXT. -CAMP CHICKINAWA TALENT SHOW-- NIGHT
The children are all are all sitting with their respective cabins watching the talent show take place on the stage in front of them. Joey then spots velvet J motioning for him to get the other children and follow Joey whispers and the word is passed down the line. Just then the talent show music is interrupted.
VELVET J
This is the part of the show were I would normally perform. Well this year I was told I can’t so I’m going to do my kind of music with help from I boy’s cabin 9.
Hardcore rap music begins to play as Velvetj walks out onto the stage.
VELVETJ
Hell mutha fukin yeah. I gots summin to say...
Day dreaming velvetj stands in a guitar center with the other two rappers.
INT. -GUITAR CENTER STORE-- DAY
BOSS
Now Darrell, I don’t know what is going on with you these days but your numbers are PATHETIC.
DARRELL
Yeah......
BOSS
You can’t just sit around day-dreaming and watch soaps!! I know you are pretty upset about your wife leaving you and your little daughter not actually being yours but we have a business to run you hear?
DARRELL
Losing them? What do you mean. They moved in next door! She wasnt little either okay?!!?? She was 17 for God’s sake and my wife didnt just leave me. She was having an affair with my best friend/neighbor since I was a kid!!!!! I have nothing in this world. Can’t you see that?
BOSS
WRONG. At this point you still have a job but if you keep this crap up THEN you will have nothing. I won’t have this, not today, we have a very important shipment coming in and I need you to be in top form and sell as much of this old junk that you can. Once people get a load of all things these new home studios we are getting in can do NO ONE will want any of the old ones.
DARRELL
Eh...
BOSS
In other words prices are gonna drop and I AM NOT GONNA LOSE MONEY BECAUSE YOU ARE A HALF-WIT. The old Darrell could sell a lit fire-cracker to a hand model and I dont care what it takes but you need bring him back from the dead!!!!!!!!! (Darrell, looks uninspired)
DARRELL
Its just, I lost all my confidence when I lost them. I feel so hollow inside now, like a bird soaring through the air but actually just crashing because I am dead inside. You know what I mean?
BOSS
I have no idea. Look man, all you have to do is find some poor schmucks with a lot of money and convince them that this unit is not a piece of shit!!!
Door bell rings and the Psych Ward enter.
KHAOS
Can you direct us to the man here who knows the most about home recording?
BOSS
Well, what do you know Darrell? Its as if they asked for you by name. Boys i’d like to meet Darrell Johnson. This man has helped out recording albums with some of the biggest names in the business. He even helped engineer a number 1 single back in 96. You boys ever hear of Skeelo?
THE PSYCH WARD
No. (Shakes heads)
BOSS
Well, thats not really important. Just know that anything thing you need to know Darrell is your GO-TO guy! Anyways, I am CERTAIN he will help you find exactly what you need!! Isnt that right Darrell???
DARRELL
Absolutly, sir...... Absolutly.
BOSS
I have got some business to attend to. You boys are in good hands. (whispers to Darrell) If you can’t make this sale then you might as well follow them out the door when they leave. Ta Ta fellows!!! Happy Shopping.
EXT. --PSYCH WARD-- NIGHT
The cameras flash as a tall dark haired neatly trimmed with slicked back hair approaches a sea of microphones and reporters.
REPORTER 1
Agent Swallows, what are your reasons for taking over in such a small time crime? Are the inmates who escaped more dangerous than previously reported?
SWALLOWS
This situation is now in the hands of trained professionals.
REPORTER 2
Do you have any leads in the where-abouts of the inmates?
SWALLOWS
Any information given to the press at this time could help aide the inmates in further evading apprehension. Just know that you are dealing with professionals. Next question.
REPORTER 3
What about the local families that live by the Psych Ward? Shouldn't they know what the inmates look like?
Reporter three looks at reporter four with a perplexed expression.
REPORTER 4
What is it that makes you a professional?
Agent Chance walks in front of the reporters and waves his hands shooing them away.
CHANCE
I’ll let you know right now mam, this man has a degree that’s a better half of a year and a half at the police academy in White House Texas. It’s were diamonds are cut and leaders shaped...
Swallows after resting against the wall with his ass pushed out towards the reporters turns around combs his hair back then wipes his brow with a personalized handkerchief.
into a crime solver slash good samaritan likely to house abused children in foster care.
SWALLOWS
That’s not why I do it. It’s not about my community hours at the nursing home or the baby flying squirrel in nursed back to health with my tender love and care.
CHANCE
When we gather all accurate information a bulletin will be posted.
Swallows steps forward pointing his finger out into the woods.
SWALLOWS
I’ll tell you this. We are dealing with men that listen to gangster rap and “freestlye.” Based on that fact alone you can atomatically asume they do drugs, beat women, and drive flashy cars. I know these things because I am part of madder. Mothers against drunk driving and evil rappers. Thats pretty much all of them except ICP, they are a bunch of posers.
SWALLOWS
Forest, get these reporters out of here. We got work to do.
Chance nods and then walks in front of the reporters with yellow police tape.
CHANCE
I’m going to need you to step back you are contaminating a crime scene. Anyone crossing this tape is subject to felony charges. Good night folks. Let us do our job.
Int --Raw Slaw’s House/Apt.-- Day
RAW SLAW
We got a code RED people. Two cars outside with government plates. They went to the neighbors now they are coming here!!! Its a raid folks, I knew this day was coming. Now lets EVACUATE!!!!!!!
COLE
And how do you know all this man? It isnt another one of your visions is it? Last time you did this we bailed for NOTHING and burn up a lot of good shit!!!
VELVET J
Seriously man, quit playing around. You are so fucking with my trip!
KHAOS
Come on man, we are tripping balls. We don’t need this.
RAW SLAW
Look man, I dont need this either man but take a look at his surveilance camera footage. You cant grow like I do and not be prepared.
On the camera two men walk calmly to the door and knock two times.
RAW SLAW
This isnt a drill people, its the real thing!!!!!!! NOW GO to the bunker and carry what you can!!!! I got the rest....... May heaven, help us all.
Ext --Outside Raw Slaw’s Apt--
CHANCE
Do you really think this lead can amount to anything? I mean, they abandoned the car around here. I seriously doubt the stuck around.
SWALLOWS
Watch and learn rookie. No lead is not worth following. Its like I always say “Swallows follows leads”.
The front door cracks open and a small firework tank rolls out and begins to spit small sparks from it’s cannon. The door the swings all the way open as Raw Slaw jumps out with a roman candle as a one hundred pack of black cats go off by the door step. Agent Swallows close lines Raw Slaw as he is running away knocking him to the ground. Chance then begins to open fire on the tank causing it to spin around and shoot sparks into Raw Slaws apartment.
SWALLOWS
Hold your fire!
Swallows leans down and drools onto Raw Slaws face.
SWALLOWS
Where are they?
RAW SLAW
I don’t know who your talking about.
SWALLOWS
You Lying hippie.
CHANCE
Swallows!
SWALLOWS
What?
CHANCE
The apartment its on fire.
Agent swallows takes out his radio and holds it up to his mouth.
SWALLOWS
This is agent swallows to mother goose we are going to need back up.
Sirens whale as fire fighters shoot water into a chard apartment. Swallows is standing beside chance wiping the sweat off his face.
SWALLOWS
That was close.
CHANCE
Do you think he knows anything?
SWALLOWS
He knows something. What he knows he doesn’t know I’m about to find out.
Swallows slaps the roof of the cop car Raw Slaw is in and leans into the driver side window.
SWALLOWS
Take him downtown and book him.
INT. -TUNNEL UNDER RAW SLAW’S-- NIGHT
VELVET J
So do you have any idea where this leads?
COLE SLAW
No idea.
KHAOS
Well atleast we got away from the cops.
SHITTNG WOMAN
Guys, its been a lot of fun these last few days but I really should be getting home to my husband.
ALL
HUSBAND?
KHAOS
Yeah, that figures.
COLE SLAW
So thats what the ring is.
VELVET J
DAMN, I just now noticed. Thats a big ass ROCK. What exactly does your man do to afford something like that?
SHITTNG WOMAN
Well, he has quite a few business endeavors but his main focus is being the CEO of Life-Sentance Records.
COLE SLAW
Wait, are you telling me that you are married to Herbert Von Weinberg the richest Jew in the history or Gangster rap since Matisyahou?
KHAOS
Look baby, if you are married to this Weinberg guy then you sure as hell should have said something before now. You know we are asspiring young rappers.
SHITTNG WOMAN
I am sorry guys. Everything has just been happening so fast.....
The shitting women burst into tears and then makes the already bad situation worse like only a women can do.
COLE SLAW
Man... Is it just me or is it kind of hard to breathe down here.
VELVET J
Yeah, I wonder how much oxygen we have down here.
Khaos pulls out a blunt and lights it.
KHAOS
I know what you mean we need to just focus on moving foward.
Khaos picks up the pace as Cole slaw runs up behind him.
COLE SLAW
Say, pass that shit chief.
VELVET J
Yeah can you just pass that back here.
Two hours later the four are sitting on the tunnel floor around a pile of blunt roaches.
COLE SLAW
Really time travel is possible you just have to find a worm hole because travelling the speed of light is impossible to do otherwise.
VELVET J
I know man, it is called Kwanza physics.
KING KHAOS
Kwanza physics? You mean Quantum Physics! Kwanza is a holiday dumbass!
VELVET J
Man, that shows how stupid you is. It aint Quantum Physics, its Quantum Leap and that was just a show. They still show re-runs on USA late night.
KING KHAOS
Bitch you are STUPID. Lets just leave it at that.
VELVET J
I know you just didnt call me stupid bitch. You are stupid. Lets just leave it at that.
KING KHAOS
Mutha Fucka you just retorted by rewording my previous response. I aint stupid bitch I got my degree at Cedar Valley College. I graduated with a 2.3 GPA. I know you aint got shit on that.
VELVET J
College? Isnt that some kind of Adult Special Ed program? You think I cant top that? What if I told you that I scored in the top %80 of my G.E.D. class.
KING KHAOS
This is no longer a fight I wish to have.
VELVET J
HA! I knew you couldnt hang with JAY VELEVET!
KING KHAOS
Keep telling yourself that man, do whatever it takes.
There is a weird awkward silence amongest everyone as the hostility dies down. Cole Slaw decides to break the weird silence with a poot that makes everyone laugh.
VELVET J
Damn dude, we are high as fuck. I mean, with all the weed smoke in here and hardly no oxygen everything around me is so-real.
KING KHAOS
You mean surreal?
VELVET J
Oh yeah, Surreal!!!
Cole SLAW
Yeah man, I am pretty damn High too.
SHITTNG WOMAN
Me too, hehehehe..........
VELVET J
Man, sometimes, in my life its like... its like i am in a movie. Like everything that happens is so wild and insane that it could only be a part of some elaborate script. Its like I am not even real man.....Some times I think I am not even real.
COLE SLAW
Dude, you I can assure that you are real.
KING KHAOS
Yeah man. Your just high, dont worry about it.
VELVET J
No man, I really believe that I don’t exist.
COLE SLAW
Hey man listen. I know a way to prove to you that are real.
VELVET J
You do?
COLE SLAW
Yeah man. Come here.
Cole Slaw then slaps the shit out of Velvet J with the backside.
COLE SLAW
Yeah, bitch. Are you real now!
Everyone besides Velvet J laughs and an additional laugh that is incredibly loud and high pitched is heard in the background. Everyone notices the laugh and quits laughing while the high pitched one continues.
OLD BALLS
Hehehehehehahuuuhhheeehhhaaaaaarrrr
In the distance a light is seen and an odd looking man holding a lantern slowly appears all while laughing and wheezing non-stop.
COLE SLAW
Look over there. Someone is coming.
KING KHAOS
Maybe he knows tha way out of here.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Hey there strangers. I thought I smelt dank. You must be friends of my boy Raw. He is always smoking that shit.
KING KHAOS
What the hell are you!
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Hey there brother man, calm down I am on your side. That name is Balls, Old Balls. I am guessing that Raw Slaw’s place got busted by the cops since you fellows are down here.
ALL
Yeah..
OLD BALLS-SLAW
We can only pray that he made it out alive. I know he is a big-boy and can handle himself but years of doing mushrooms so hardcore has taken a toal on his brain. He often makes plans that in his mind fool proof but in reality they actually are just plain stupid.
COLE SLAW
If you are Raw Slaw’s dad then does that make you my uncle?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
I was wondering when you were gonna catch on to that Cole.
The others look at the old man and then at Cole with complete disgust over the fact that Cole is somehow blood related to this undesirable human being.
COLE SLAW
Well.....Uncle Old Balls its great to finally meet. I hate to be in such a rush but Raw said that in this tunnel we would find help. Can you help us out.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Of course I can help you out Cole but first you get your ass over here and give your Uncle Old Balls a hug. (Old Balls Motions to Coal to come to him)
At this point Old Balls has moved much closer to the rest of the group and when he places his lantern on the ground the light reveals a man that time has not been kind to. He is wearing a long, brown robe that has a hood and underneath the robe he is wearing nothing except an adult diaper. He has an enormous nose, greyish balding hair and most importantly his balls are hanging out of the diaper and hang much lower than the balls of a normal person.
COLE SLAW
Do you think that you could perhaps tuck those balls of yours away and maybe we could work something out with that hug.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You mean these balls?
Old balls pulls the lantern to his balls as everyone gasp in horror.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Ehehehe.... Sure thing Cole. I am just down here alone so much I sometimes forget that I am exposing myself when others are around. I have a condition you know but that a whole nother story. Lets go back to my place and form a plan to get you boys where you need to go. Come on!
INT. AN INTERIGATION ROOM--NIGHT
Agent swallows opens the door and walks into a room with large mirror covering the front of the back wall. Raw Slaw is dripping wet with sweat sitting in front of a table with handcuffs on.
RAW SLAW
Do you have the heat on here or is it just me.
Agent swallows pulls out a chair and begins to sit down.
SWALLOWS
You shut your piece of shit fucking face. You fucking hippie. Now I know you know what I think you know.
RAW SLAW
What are you talking about?
SWALLOWS
Cole Slaw, Khaos and velvet J, where are they?
RAW SLAW
I don’t know what your talking about I want to see my lawyer.
SWALLOWS
You don’t get a lawyer bitch this america and we are the FBI we can do whatever the fuck we want. Thanks to the patriot act.
Agent swallows turns to the mirror and reaffirms with a nod to Agent chance.
SWALLOWS
I can however get you a...
There is a knocking on the door agent swallows walks over to the door and opens it.
CHANCE
Here is the water you requested.
Chance hands the water to Raw Slaw.
SWALLOWS
Not yet.
RAW SLAW
Please I’m dieing of thirst.
CHANCE
He’s no good if he can’t speak. He’s got cotton mouth for god’s sake man he’s been smoking alot of weed.
Agent swallows gets closer to raw Slaw and begins to scratch his genitals as he luaghs.
SWALLOWS
That water is nice and cold real refreshing.
Raw slaw finishes the cup and sets it on the table.
SWALLOWS
The water was a little bit colder five minutes ago when I finished my piss and shook my dick off in it.
Rwa Slaw begins to gag.
SWALLOWS
Wait that's not all boy. After that I drops my balls in for a cold afternoon swim.
A loud wrong answer sound goes off as Raw Slaw looks at a pubic hair on the edge of the cup. Raw Slaw begins to jump up and scream as he hits the mirrored wall.
RAW SLAW
This is insane I want out of here now! You guys are animals.
SWALLOWS
Nobody hears your screams. Restrain him.
Chance pulls Raw Slaw back in the chair.
SWALLOWS
We know about your father he’s been on America’s top 100 most wanted for the past 10 years for; tax evasion, spousal abuse, public nudity, jay walking repeatedly the list goes on but you would know better than me what a piece of shit your father is. I also know it runs in the family.
RAW SLAW
Listen I’m not my father O. K.
SWALLOWS
You attacked a federal agent on a routine check.
CHANCE
Why did you attack us sir?
SWALLOWS
Come clean and spill the beans.
RAW SLAW
I don’t know anything about the Psych Ward.
INT. -FBI HEADQUARTERS-- DAY
Agent swallows turns the rewind knob to play back the video of the interrogation.
SWALLOWS
Do you see that chance? I never said anything about a cyborg.
CHANCE
He is probably just high on so many drugs sir.
SWALLOWS
I don’t fully believe him something just doesn't add up right.
INT. -TUNNEL UNDER RAW SLAW’S-- NIGHT
The group continue walking down the dark tunnel with Old Ball’s whistling poorly. Old Balls stops whistling stops whistling for a moment and looks at back at the group.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
We are almost there everyone.
ColE SLAW
Thank god, I am tired.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
I know you boys are tired and probably need a place to relax. You can stay with me for as long as you like. I LOVE COMPaNY.
KING KHAOS
I really just have plans to keep moving if you know what I mean. I appreciate your help and all but we gotta get out of here so that we can make some noise.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Make some noise? Are you talking about making music? Cause I love music. Its a part of my soul.
COLE SLAW
This is your house?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
It sure is. Come on in.
(Insert Song)
The inside of the house is really similar to the inside of an iguana tank. There is a large light in the middle of the room shining down on a rock. Beside the light is a large water dropper that resembles one maybe seen in a Hampstead During the course of the song Khaos changes from confusion to wanting to get the fuck out of there. He finally decides he has to leave and burst out the door. Cole Slaw takes note and follows while signaling to the others that he has got it.
COLE SLAW
Where are you going dude.
KING KHAOS
This dude is fucking with my head man.
Khaos turns around to face Cole Slaw.
KHAOS
Dude, his balls...His balls look like...His balls just fucking scare me.
Cole Slaw, grabbing Khaos by the shoulders.
COLE SLAW
I know old Balls seems a little weird but, we need his help.
KING KHAOS
Are sure we need this mother fuckers help because I think we need to leave.
COLE SLAW
He’s not going to hurt us but, he will show us the way out and he’s harmless.
Velvet J walks out of old balls house with a coke in his hands.
VELVET J
Old Balls wants to know if you want a coke. This guys pretty cool.
Velvet J chugs on his coke and burps then walks back into old balls’ place.
COLE SLAW
Velvet J is cool with it.
KING KHAOS
Ok. I just don’t know How long I will last.
COLE SLAW
Look, I know this Old Balls character is a little....uhhhh....
....different.
KING KHAOS
A little different? His balls look like, his balls look like, I don’t even know what his balls look like. They look like some weird ass balls is all I know and I really just don’t like knowing what some Old Dudes balls look like.
COLE SLAW
So if we make him make sure his balls are kept up are you coming back in?
KING KHAOS
What about all that other shit. The singing shit.
COLE SLAW
I don’t really know either man. I’ve only been here just as long as you have. I just know that I want to get out of here and I want to get out of here soon and I don’t care whose balls I have to look at in the process!!! Are you with me?
KING KHAOS
Yeah... I guess I have no other choice.
COLE SLAW
Cool man, lets go back in there and just pretend this never happened.
KING KHAOS
Aight.
The two return into Old Ball’s home to see Velvet J and the shitting women sitting down conversing with Old Balls.
VELVET J
So man, if you don’t mind me asking, why do they call you Old Balls?
Everyone in the room looks at Velvet J like he is a moron for asking such a question since the answer is so obvious. Old Balls does not take offense he in fact seems delighted to answer the question.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well I thought you would never ask.........
Khaos roles his eyes at Velvet as Old Balls proceeds to go on a tangent about his name.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well you see, when I was a kid I was a bit of a Daredevil. I was known for doing all sorts of crazy things. People really thought I was wild and most everything I did took some pretty big balls so after a while folks just started calling me Balls.
SHITTNG WOMAN
Ewwwwwwww......
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Ew? I don’t see much thats gross about having a huge pair of juevos little lady! Back in the day these balls brought me more pussy than James Dean Woman! Ehehehehee....
KING KHAOS
Please treat the lady with respect Balls.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
I’m sorry there buddy, I am not trying to be stepping on any bodies toes. These quarters are too tight for a tustle......Now where was I?
VELVET J
You were telling us how people used to call you just Balls.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Oh yeah, thats right. Well I was so amazing and brave that people just started calling me Balls.........
Old Balls then smiles at everyone around and there is a brief pause.
COLE SLAW
And?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
And what?
COLE SLAW
Well, what he asked was why do people call you Old Balls and you told us why they called you Balls.
Khaos sits in complete disbelief that this conversation is happing and that his two friends are actually extending it intentionaly.
VELVET J
Yeah, I wanted to know about your name now, not the one you used back in the day.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
OHHHH, well why didnt you say so? Well like I was saying earlier.....
As Old Balls tells the story of the evolution of his name it is visualized through a montage/flashback.
OLD BALLS-SLAW (CONT’D)
Pretty soon after getting the name Balls I decided that being called Balls was not enough. I went to great links to improve the appearance of my actual Balls. Before I knew it I was doing Balls-squats every day until my Balls were in perfect physical shape. I even went so far as to inject juice right into my go-nads just to make them bigger and stronger.
KHAOS
That is absurd. How the hell does one do Ball-squats and why would you inject steroids intro them? Your Balls do not have a muscle mass to incress.
At that point Old Balls begins to strain out of control as slowly one of his balls rises into the air. Everyone looks in amazement/disgust and as soon as he is sure that everyone saw Old Balls drops it back into place and gasp to catch his breath. The crowd is speechless.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You see? Now can I tell the rest of the story.
VELVET J
We are listening man! I am all ears. Isn't Old Balls the greatest guys?
The others stare with complete discontent.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Once I got real ripped in the Testis people started calling me Strong Balls but it wasn't long until the usage took a tole on me. I juiced so often that I was having crazy mood swings all the time and also the weight of my own nuts began to stretch my sack.
VELVET J
Did it increase your Ball ageing process and that's why they call you Old Balls?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
It sure did. I was an anomaly of science. Previously they had never seen a scrotum grow longer than 1 inch in a year but mine grew 7 times that amount!
ALL
Wow.
Some are more amused than others.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Although I kept up to my usual feats of whackyness the additional amount of sagging flesh between my legs made the folks start calling me Long Balls.
COLE SLAW
Well thats not too bad.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Are you kidding me? Imagine working your whole life to living up to the name BIG BALLS and all of a sudden you are stuck with the name long balls!!!???!! It truly sent me into a downward spiral.
VELVET J
Thats terrible. I feel your pain man.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You have no idea my pain!!!! You could never imagine what it is like to have your name drug through the dirt while you sit and watch your own balls slap your knee-caps!!
VELVET J
You are right man. I have no idea what you have felt! NO IDEA!
Cole Slaw is clearly irritated interjects.
COLE SLAW
You were telling us why you are called Old Balls.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Oh, well.. I basically lost my mind and turned to a life of crime and often used my freakish balls to intimadate numerous people.
SHITTNG WOMAN
OMG. I so think I saw your E-Hollywood story!
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You sure did. I made national news.
COLE SLAW
OLD BALLS!!!
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Oh yeah, well, my crimes were so severe and I was on the run so rather than go to jail I came here: to the underground tunnel of criminals!
KHAOS
You mean we are in “The” Secret Underground Tunnel of Criminals. I thought this place was a myth.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Oh, its no myth. Its a living breathing truth. Well, it is a truth.
KHAOS
So if it really is the underground tunnel then where are the other criminals?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Oh, they live all up and down this tunnel. This place is a secret underground tunnel afterall, they dont exactly have door-mats and mail boxes.
KHAOS
I think you are full of shit. NO HARDCORE, BADASS CRIMINAL would live down here in this shit! They would rather rot in jail. I wanna meet some of these “neighbors” of yours real soon buddy.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well, calm down buddy, we can go meet a neighbor after sun up.
KHAOS
Sun up? This is an underground tunnel. I havent seen the sun in days and from the looks of things you have not in years!!!!!!! No more bullshit, I want to meet one of your neighbors now!!!!!!!
At that point Khaos snaps and pulls out a gun. He points the gun at Old Balls and awaits his demands. Before he can say much there is a knock on the front door.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well, its looks like one of my neighbors is here right now.
KHAOS
How convenient. Open the door and do it slowly.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You really are a paranoid fellow you know that?
Old Balls opens the door and welcomes his two only friends in the world into his home for their ritualistic, sunday night, domino game and Cheep Vodka chugging contest.
Once Khaos sees that the other two men are clearly fellow underworlders he puts his gun back into place and finds a small bit of piece in his surroundings.
KING KHAOS
So now I guess I’m in company with some gangsta thug ass ware type niggas. Niggas on the run. So you guys know what it is like to be a criminal somebody hiding from the fat white pig known as the man.
The two criminal friends of old balls stare at khaos with vodka in their hands.
KING KHAOS
So you guys probally know what it’s like to have to hurt somebody. Have to kill somebody.
King Khaos gives a insane stare slash grin while holding a forty five caliber hand gun beside his face.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
Yeah I killed somebody!
Everyone in the room look at the overweight bearded brute of a man. If you put bear paws on him he’d just about scare every tourist in Yellowstone. He is what some gay men refer to as a “bear”. A “bear” is a slightly over the age flaming homosexual man that purposely doesn't bathe. As he looks at Khaos with a wanting eye he begins to put on lip fusion.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
I killed my sister.
A freaked out scared perplexed look came across Khaos to the point he looks down at the ground and begins to cringe.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
My baby sister was killed by me. She was just a victim in my negative game called life. All she wanted to do was help me out with a knew move that rick flare was going to do on Monday night raw. That is WWC new world order incase you didn't know.
KHAOS
I watched raw. I am raw. Let me guess the steel Venus off the rope.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
No. The house by the cliff with nothing to cushion the blow.
Khaos sits still with no expression on his face.
CRIMINAL GUEST 2
But don’t you guys worry. He is reformed now. He is just one big, bundle of love.
VELVET J
Oh yeah, I heard about that shit a while back. I saw the video on youtube. That was raw. REAL RAW!!!
COLE SLAW
Yeah man, me too. I remember when the cops took it down too. They said it was too graphic or some shit. But just one question man.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
Shoot.
COLE SLAW
Didnt you used to be really ripped and completely waxed? What happened to you?
The second guest looks at Cole with a glare because he is insulted by what Cole just said about his man. Guest one takes the blow and pretends as though he was not bothered.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
Well, when I ran from the cops I just fled down here immediately.
CRIMINAL GUEST 2
Your still sexy boo.
CRIMINAL GUEST 1
Living down here eating _____ all the time, never exercising and no sun light has taken a tole on my body.
Khaos snickers in the background.
KHAOS
It took a tole all right. You look like Larry the Cable Guy but worse.
CRIMINAL GUEST 2
Old Slaw, who are these wonderfully, polite, individuals that you have as guest in your home?
As Old Balls gets up from where he is sitting both of his balls slide out of his undergarments into plain view of everyone. Cole Slaw gives him a quick glare and he picks them up and places them back in the shorts.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well this is my nephew Cole Slaw and these are his friends Khaos, Velvet J and uh, I don’t believe that you ever told me your name young lady.
The Psych Ward all look at each other because they too do not know her name even though they gang-banged her.
SHITTNG WOMAN
You guys seriously don’t know my name?
COLE SLAW
I know your name, its Mrs. Weinberg.
The Shitting Women Gasp.
SHITTNG WOMAN
I had a 4 some with you 3 guys and none of you even know my name? I know all of yours?
COLE SLAW
Sorry, we are just self-absored I suppose.
VELVET J
Bitch, we dont need to know your name. Your just a ho!
KHAOS
Damn straight man. You said it J.
From out of nowhere Old Balls’ Balls fly and slap Velvet J Cole and Khaos in the face.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Now boys, if you are gonna be down here in my home you have got to learn to respect the ladies.
KHAOS
The ladies? There is only one.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Thats where you are wrong my friend. I would now formaly like to introduce you to my neighbors Cal and Don.
CAL AND DON
HIII!!!!!!! (WITH SUPER HOMO-VIBE)
OLD BALLS-SLAW
These guys are musicians too. Just like you boys. Maybe you could make some music together.
CAL AND DON
Oh, you boys like making music? Would you like to hear one of our songs?
COLE SLAW
We are kind of in a rush.
KHAOS
Yeah guys, I am real sorry but we have got to get a move on things.
CAL AND DON
Oh come on, we’ll make it a short one.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
They have time. There is always time for music.
CAL AND DON
We are proud and we are LOOOOOOUUUUUUDDDDDDDD!!!
KHAOS
Oh, no.
CAL
I love his butt.
DON
He loves my moooooooouuuuuuutttthhh!
COLE SLAW
Uh, oh.
The rest of the song commences and is about the gayest thing ever done in cinema.
INT. --RAW SLAW’S CRIB (BURNT REMAINS)-- MORNING
CHANCE
That Raw Slaw guy was good.
SWALLOWS
Don’t ever call a CRIMINAL “good” in my presence! He is scum and you know it.
CHANCE
I just meant that he is good at being a criminal not just plain good sir. There is a difference.
SWALLOWS
Well in my world anyone who calls a bad man good has got something to hide!
CHANCE
I am sorry sir. I am not sure what you are suggesting.
SWALLOWS
I am suggesting that maybe those boys are nowhere to be found because someone on our side is giving them information to keep them one step ahead of us!
CHANCE
So you are calling me a Mole? That is a strong suggestion sir. I hope that you have a lot of evidence because charges like that brought against a Federal Officer would require quite a bit!
SWALLOWS
Oh, I have all the evidence I need in your cd collection. When you went to go grab donuts earlier I took the liberty of “searching for some clues” in your car and found some pretty conclusive evidence that you are involved!
CHANCE
My cd collection? Please explain.
SWALLOWS
Well the first few disk where a disguise to throw me off I know that much. You figured if you put some Nirvana and a Pa Pa Roach cd in the front I would think you are a “rocker” type. but every good detective doesnt just give up when the first few signs point the other way.
CHANCE
Where is this going?
SWALLOWS
Just shut up and allow me to explain. The next few cds started to change a little in genre. There was a Boys 2 Men cd and some R. Kelly. It seemed as if you had a taste for the RnB as well but it wasnt until I flipped to the next page when it all hit me.....when I knew you were working for them.
CHANCE
I am lost man.
SWALLOWS
Do you know what the cds were Chance? I know you do you bastard!! Did you think I wouldnt find out? You love Gangster Rap!!! You son of a bitch! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!
Agent Swallows runs at Chance and began to hit him in the chest as he weeps uncontrollably. Chance having no idea what to do slaps the detective in the face.
CHANCE
What is wrong with you sir? You’ve got to get it together! Just because I listen to some Rap does not make me involved in all this.
SWALLOWS
Really? (still sobbing)
CHANCE
REALLY! What is wrong with you man? You used to have it together. What happened.
SWALLOWS
I’ll tell you what happened.
Swallows pulls out a flask and takes a chug.
SWALLOWS
The Psych Ward happened! They are making me look like a fool. Those guys disappear without a trace and we got nothing......The media is hounding me, the Higher-ups are hounding me, my wife is hounding me but with all this stress even with the Viagra all I can get is a softy at best it isnt fair!!!!!!! Its WRONG!!! Its Wrong..........
Chance has not once EVER seen Swallows show any emotion and is overwhelmed by the fact that he just laid everything on the line in the last few minutes. There is an awkward silence between the too but it is broken when Chance finally figures out what to say.
CHANCE
Look, I would not be the Agent I am today if it was not for you detective Swallows. You turned me from an eager Rookie into a trained professional. It kills me to see you like this man. The old you would have never given up.
SWALLOWS
Chance that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me and even though I still think you are a rookie and not even close to being a trained professional I still think you had good intentions boy.
CHANCE
Any-time....?
SWALLOWS
Well, lets forget all that happened back there and try and see if we can find any clues.
CHANCE
Good deal sir.
SWALLOWS
And Chance,
CHANCE
Yes sir.
SWALLOWS
If you tell anyone about what happened here today I will deny every bit of it and also tell them about the Vince Gill cd you had in the back of your collection.
There is a nervous laughter as the two continue to walk around the debris.
CHANCE
So what if those guys didnt actually even come here? What if that Raw guy is just a burn out and has nothing to do with them at all.
SWALLOWS
It crossed my mind a few times but I see through Raw like a clear turd, he has got guilty all over his face.
Both men are digging through different piles of debris with plastic gloves on.
CHANCE
Well, we cant keep him much longer unless we come up with some real charges.
SWALLOWS
How about the charge of aiding in evading arrest of known criminals?
CHANCE
That would be nice if we could prove it.
SWALLOWS
We can prove it now.
At this point Swallows lifts up a piece of wood that reveals underneath it a door labeled: Entrance to S.U.T.O.C.
SWALLOWS
Ahahaha....ahahaha.ahahahha...
Swallows goes off and an enormously over the top laughing spree that last for a couple minutes. (Perhaps use a “5 minutes later”) Finally Chance interupts.
CHANCE
Sir?
SWALLOWS
Not now Chance, I am busy.
CHANCE
I can see that sir but, well, its actually about that. What the hell is SUTOC and why is it so funny?
SWALLOWS
I told you that you were a rookie. Now say it “I am a rookie”.
CHANCE
You are a rookie.
Swallows puts on his most intimadating face.
SWALLOWS
Now thats not what I meant! Now say it right or I am not gonna tell you anything about SUTOC.
During Swallows rage Chance pulls out his cell phone and starts to type.
SWALLOWS
What are you doing?
CHANCE
I am not interested in playing your games. I am just gonna google it real quick.
SWALLOWS
Oh well alright rookie. I will tell you what it is. SUTOC is the.....
CHANCE
Secret Underground Tunnel for Criminals. It says right here it is thought to be just a myth.
SWALLOWS
Well it looks like thats a bunch of bullshit now doesnt it. We have the backdoor of the place right.
CHANCE
Can you imagine what this is going to do for our careers? A secret underground railroad of criminals? We are going to be famous!
SWALLOWS
Actually Chance I don’t mean to burst your bubble but it was ME and ME alone who found the tunnel.
CHANCE
Is that so?
SWALLOWS
You are damn right that is so. Now dont play games with me boy.
CHANCE
Well, when everyone asked me the story of what happened I am going to have to tell them about your little breakdown right before you found it. You know the one I had to make you snap out of? The one that ended with you weeping like a baby!
SWALLOWS
You wouldnt dare.
CHANCE
I would and dont think I havent thought about the Vince Gill either. It was left their by my mother as far as anyone else knows.
SWALLOWS
Alright then! You win. WE found the tunnel! Are you happy now?
CHANCE
I am indeed.
SWALLOWS
Thank god. I was waiting for you to shut up.
CHANCE
Wait, there is just one more thing before we crack this door open.
At this point Swallows is incredibly agitated by Chance.
SWALLOWS
What is it?
CHANCE
Why do they abbreviate of and not the?
SWALLOWS
Huh?
CHANCE
The Secret Underground Tunnel of Criminals. They abbreviate of but not the. Why do you think that is.
SWALLOWS
Chance, do you really want to know why?
Chance nods but reluctantly because he knows that Swallows is about to give a long, meaningless speech with out an answer.
SWALLOWS
The reason that they did that is that the people involved with SUTOC are criminals and you and I both know that criminals are dumb and that is why to guys like me they are so damn easy to catch!
CHANCE
Yes indeed sir.
SWALLOWS
So are you ready to go down this tunnel and whoop ass and take names rookie?
CHANCE
Don’t we need to call for backup before we do that. We have no idea whats down there.
SWALLOWS
And let them get that far ahead of us? Are you mad?
CHANCE
I am just trying to be reasonable sir. We do not know exactly what is down there and we are just two men.
SWALLOWS
Just remember who you are working with boy, one of the finest in the biz. LETS LOCK AND LOAD!
Swallows then kicks open the door with all his might and without thinking jumps into the tunnel. Chance seeing his partner take off into the unknown and decides that he cannot bring in the criminals alone and jumps in behind him.
INT. --OLD BALLS UNDERGROUND LAIR--
Cal and Don just finished their song and EVERYONE besides Old Balls is speechless.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
That gets better every time I hear it.
COLE SLAW
Ummmm..... that was a really great song guys. Now do you suppose we can work on getting out of here?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well, this underground tunnel has only one way out.
KHAOS
What exactly is the way out?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
All the way through it.
VELVET J
How long is that Old Balls?
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well, I don’t exactly know. I came in threw Raw Slaw but since then I have never left. I wouldnt very well reckon you boys go out that way either.
Khaos looks at Cal and Don (sitting side by side holding hands) and then musters the courage to ask them a question.
KHAOS
What about you guys? You know the way?
The two lovers look at each other tenderly and Don stands up.
DON
I know the way. I am down here on my own free will so I come and go as I please.
COLE SLAW
Your own free will? Why would you chose to live down here?
Don looks at Cal and smiles.
DON
What if your life partner was forced to live underground due to crimes he committed on an accident. Wouldnt you still want to be with them no matter what?
KHAOS
I don’t ever intend on having a life partner.
CAL
Whats a matter Khaos, have you never been in love?
Khaos says nothing at all but simply points to a tattoo on his arm that says “NO LOVE”
DON
Well thats a shame.
Cole is agitated that the topic is changing once again.
COLE SLAW
So about this way out of here?
KHAOS
CAN YOU SHOW US THE WAY OUT?
CAL
Alright, don’t get your whole shaft in a knot.
Cal and Don grab each other and begin to man kiss hard core.
It’s not forever boo.
Cal wipes a tear off of Don’s cheek.
CAL
Just bring your sweet ass back here...
DON
Dont forget to feed Mr. Jew Jew.
He looks at everyone else.
DON
Thats our PUSSY CAT!
Khaos opens a door to a small front porch leading to a large dark tunnel.
KHAOS
I think this leads somewhere out of here.
Khaos is followed by the shitting woman and Cole Slaw then Don. Velvet J begrudgingly pulls himself off the heated rock and out from under the sunlamp.
VELVET J
I like your pad Old Balls. You live like a king, do as you want.
Velvet J gets a real passionate look on his face.
VELVET J
You don’t have to put up with society’s restriction you let your balls hang like a man.
Velvet J puts out the pound sign of man friendship. The knuckle touch.
OLD BALLS
Thank you sunny. You know you are welcome here any time. Just don’t come back or I’ll have to kill you. I got something for you just wait a second.
Cole Slaw peeps his head back into the house.
COLE SLAW
Hey dude, we found a way out of here.
Hold up a second I think Old Balls is going to give me something. Old Balls walks back into the room and hands velvet J a large tuperware container full of brownies.
OLD BALLS
These are home made special Old Balls Slaw recipe. Now get going. Always remember if you don’t keep a trucking with the wind then you are running with the wind fuck the ozone I live in a fucking cave.
Old Balls looks around and everyone have left so he slowly crawls under his heating lamp and pulls his balls out. Meanwhile the group heads down the dark tunnel.
KING KHAOS
My lighters out so if anyone has a light now is the time to turn it on.
Cal illuminates as a large flash light dildo is turned on.
KHAOS
What the fuck? You can just get in front of me. I don’t like the thought of that behind me.
DON
Twelve bucks at the porn store. It came with the batteries. A pretty good deal..... (trailing off)
INT. -TUNNEL UNDER RAW SLAW’S-- NIGHT
The scene consist of 2 shots. 1 being Agent Swallows zipping down a tunnel and the other being Chance zipping behind him. The dialogue will begin once they hit the bottom and recoop themselves. Agent Swallows and Chance both pull out flashlights.
SWALLOWS
Holy mother of God! Would you look at this place.
CHANCE
It could go on for miles.
SWALLOWS
It does go on for miles. I can’t believe it really exist. Its been a myth to our people for years now. We always thought it was just talk. We thought the criminals just wanted us to think it existed. They wanted us to fear that they could run away forever and never get caught. Well, today is the day! Today is the day that I prove to their kind once and for all that there is no running. There is no hiding because WE are here! And WE will always be here as long as their kind exist!!!!!!!!!!!
CHANCE
So yeah, its real. We’re here. Now what do we do?
SWALLOWS
My instincts tell me that we should march in this direction. I know those punks went this way. I can tell.
CHANCE
Yeah, good call Swallows. I was thinking they might have gone this way.
Chance points his flashlight in the opposite direction and reveals a huge brick wall. Upon seeing this Agent Swallows gives Chance a dirty look.
SWALLOWS
Look kid, you are either for or against me and lately you have been leaning towards against me. This is my show and dont you forget it.
CHANCE
If you say so.
SWALLOWS
Now lets go catch us some bad guys.
CHANCE
All right. I can deal with that but I do sort of have one question.
SWALLOWS
You always have one question.
CHANCE
So can I ask it?
SWALLOWS
Go ahead.
CHANCE
Its just something I think you may not have thought of.
SWALLOWS
I doubt that really seriously but, go ahead. I have got to hear this.
Swallows is grinning from ear to ear waiting to hear whatever it is that this rookie thinks he knows.
CHANCE
Once we arrest all these “criminals” that are in this tunnel how exactly are we going to detain them. I mean, we only have one pair of handcuffs each.
Swallows is beaming when he responds with pride.
SWALLOWS
You Agent Chance may only have one pair of handcuffs but I on the other hand being the prepared type have enough restraints to detain over 100 people on me at all times. We will just cuff all those mother Fuckers.
Swallows pulls out a wad of zip-ties.
CHANCE
You honestly have that on you at all times?
SWALLOWS
Every day since Attaca. Don’t worry rook You don’t have a clue.
Chance then looks at Swallows defeated and they both nod and start running down the trail. Swallows leads with pride as Chance follows like a bitch.
CHANCE
Sir, I think my knee is injured from the fall into the tunnel.
Swallows turns around with a cocky smirk.
SWALLOWS
Are you going to be a bitch chance or am I going to have to carry you.
Chance falls to the ground and he tries to keep up. Swallows runs back and pulls Chance up and onto his shoulders.
SWALLOWS
I never thought those days in the military would pay off.
Swallows begins to slowly jog carrying Chance then tires to a complete stop throwing Chance off his back. He then briefly drops him.
SWALLOWS
What the hell is this.
Chance grabs his knee in agonizing pain as Swallows picks something up off the tunnel floor.
SWALLOWS
Being a “rook”, you probably have never encountered one of these before.
Agent swallows extends his hand in front of Chance with the flashlight pointing on it.
SWALLOWS
You know what this is called “rook”.
Chance picks up the object out of Agent Swallows hand and holds it in his finger tips.
CHANCE
I believe so sir.
Chance faces Swallows.
CHANCE
Marijuana.
SWALLOWS
You have done your research.
CHANCE
Sir, I believe the only way we can find these fugitives is to first think like them. We have to enter their drug induced psyche. I will light the blunt tip if you inhale.
Swallows grabs chance by his shirt.
SWALLOWS
Do you know what that will do to you.
Swallows holds the wrist of Chance as if suggesting he should wait a moment and think it over.
CHANCE
Scientist report that it gives you an extreme hunger and slow reaction time. I am quite familiar.
Swallows glares at Chance as he is about to light the blunt.
SWALLOWS
Don’t do it to feed your addiction do it to fuel the furnace known as our investigation... into the criminal underworlds starring lead detective Swallows and his bitch “rook “ partner chance. I would have the title cards looking real cool and there would be major special affects. I like the way that sounds.
Agent Swallows looks at chance then gabs the pipe out of his hands and holds it.
SWALLOWS
I thought I could trust you but, it seems your addiction has gotten the best of you. You are too high.
Chance chuckles and laughs at swallows.
SWALLOWS
Why don’t you ask yourself that question you are the one holding the pipe.
SWALLOWS
Hold up. What did you just say.
SWALLOWS
It sounded like I was waking up from a dream.
Swallows turns behind him very quickly and stares and then turns to look back at Chance.
SWALLOWS
It feels like I just woke up from a dream.
CHANCE
You just said that.
SWALLOWS
Are you suggesting that I am high “rook” Second hand smoke does not effect me.
CHANCE
You took a hit of the blunt.
Swallows jumps back.
SWALLOWS
I did no such thing.
Swallows stops to look at the blunt tip in his hand. He then gasps in upmost disbelief.
SWALLOWS
I didn't. Yes sir I believe you did about an hour ago. If I did then why am I holding the same one you just lit.
CHANCE
They left a trail of them. That is the fifth one I’ve lit for you sir.
INT. --TUNNEL--
Khaos stops to light another blunt.
KHAOS
So were the fuck are we going and how much further till we get there?
DON
Right over here. Quite a bit. Do you like my dick.
COLE SLAW
If I knew the way out I’d kill you. How long is quite a bit.
DON
A little ways.
VELVET J
Well that’s not far at all.
Velvet J smiles at don.
DON
No, its really not when you think about it. Sweet sugar coated candy ass.
The group walk in silence for about 10 minutes. (10 minutes later)
KHAOS
I smell something burning. It smells nice.
COLE SLAW
Yeah, I smell that too. Looks like some of these other criminals down here know how to party!
The sound of reggae music is becoming faintly heard. Out of no were a small orange light is burning in the dark.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
What’s up mon. Feellll like gettinnnn high.
The penis flashlight is pointed over at a skinny black man with long dreadlocks. The shitting woman cowers by cole slaw grabbing him by the arm.
COLE SLAW
Whoa! What’s wrong?
Cole Slaw leans down as shitting woman whispers.
SHITTNG WOMAN
I just watched his eyes turn green.
COLE SLAW
Who?
By this time Khaos and velvet J are standing by the Rastafarian. Khaos coughs
VELVET J
Damn! This stuff is amazing. The flavor is like some kind of wild berry.
COLE SLAW
It smells like berries.
Cole Slaw grabs the penis light from Don ignores the shitting woman and walks over to complete the huddle of smokers.
VELVET J
Here take a hit of this.
Cole Slaw begins to hit the blunt then points the light up at the Rasta man’s face.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Get your penis out of my face. Feeelll what I’m saying.
Cole Slaw pulls the light back.
COLE SLAW
Sorry man, it’s just your eyes have a greenish tint to them.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
It’s a gene that’s passes down in my family only true smokers get it. Real Rastas.
VELVET J
Yesterday, I thought my eyes looked a little green.
Khaos hits the blunt then passes it back to the Rastafarian.
KHAOS
Can you just be high and leave this poor man’s medical condition alone.
COLE SLAW
I am pretty high.
VELVET J
This shit is good what do you call it.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Jamaican Fluff. It’s my own strain and I grow it right down here!
COLE SLAW
Now that I got to see.
The Rasta steps to the side as a hidden hydraulic door slides open exposing a bright florescent room with tall green plants.
Velvet J heads for the door and it quickly slides shut.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
I can’t let you in there. You could be cops.
Khaos gets angry and bows up to the small skinny Rasta.
KHAOS
That is the most disrespectful thing you can say to me.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
How do I know you are not just pretending. How to I know you a true smoker.
KHAOS
Man hold up.
Cole Slaw breaks out the beat machine and the three fugitives from the psych Ward break off another gangsta ass rap song.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
I’m sorry I underestimated the psychward. You playas are down with me... Real smokers. You are welcome to enter just don’t take anything out of the grow room just don’t touch my weed.
EXT. --OLD BALLS HOUSE-- UNKNOWN
Chance and swallows do not know they have just stumbled into Old Balls place.
SWALLOWS
I don’t know were we are or were we are going but... I feel like I’m hyperventilating. (He’s griped with panic)I feel like I’m going to die!
Swallows begins to breakdown again hyperventilating.
SWALLOWS
I can’t breathe.
CHANCE
Relax you are just having a panic attack. Everything is going to be alright.
SWALLOWS
Just feel my god damn pulse! Chance.
Swallows extends his right arm while feeling his pulse with the left.
SWALLOWS
My heart just beat irregularly.
A faint giggle is heard from the darkness. Swallows drops his flashlight and screams. Chance pulls out his gun.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Easy there partner I just thought you might need some help.
SWALLOWS
Don’t tell him we are cops he might kill us.
Old Balls approaches the agents.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You boys must be friends with the psychward.
CHANCE
Yeah, How did you know.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
I don’t get many visitors down here.
Chance looks down at a crack in Old Balls robe and the question “Are those balls?” sweeps across his face.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
You boys want a coke. Take a load off and let Old Balls get you a sodey pop.
SWALLOWS
Did that guy just refer to himself as Old Balls.
CHANCE
I believe he did. So, Old Balls. You don’t happen to know the way out of here, do ya?
Old Balls is clearly mixing a white powder with the sodey pop comes out from around a corner with a coke in each of his hands and fully exposing Swallows and Chance to his long tan old sac.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Well, you boys just got here. You wouldn't be trying to leave Old Balls already, would you?
INT. --GROW ROOM-- TIME UNKNOWN
In the bright light of the florescent lit grow room it has become clear that the Jamaican’s body frame is not from this earth. Khaos turns to the shitting woman.
KING KHAOS
I thought I was just high earlier but, this nigga right here looks like a mother fucking Alien.
The Jamaican’s head whips around so fast that he completely shakes off the Rastafarian wig. His eyes begin to glow green and stare at Cole Slaw’s back. Cole Slaw has his back to the group as he snaps off a bud and slips it into his back pack. Cole Slaw then turns around and looks at everyone. Cole Slaw then nods his head upward as if to say something.
COLE SLAW
What’s up.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
I told you not to touch the chronic.
The Jamaican alien rubs a circle on the right side of chest and Cole Slaw is lifted into the air.
JAMAICAN ALIEN (CONT’D)
Give me one reason why I don’t end your feeble earth like existence. Maaaannnnn.
Cole Slaw responds in a Jamaican Accent.
COLE SLAW
It’s alright maaaannnn. I be a true smoker. Any true smoker knows that weed is more important than the truth.
Above the influence.com Flashes on the bottom right of the shot as everyone pauses in silence.
The alien then squeezes his fist together and tightens his hold on cole Slaw. His back pack falls open and about ten huge nuggets along with the beat machine.
COLE SLAW
Please don’t
Cole Slaw Pisses his pants as the beat machine hits the floor. The machine begins to play the last Beat Cole Slaw was working on.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
What is that?
COLE SLAW
(As he gasps for air) I make beats for a living it’s what I do. I got more.
Velvet J screams
VELVET J
Let Him go! Ho! The beat so Cold make you smoke all this shit til it aint no mo!
The shitting woman runs behind Khaos who pulls out a blunt and begins to light it.
KING KHAOS
If I’m going to die I’ma die high.
The Alien release Cole Slaw and lets him grab the beat machine off the floor. He frantically twists the knobs and pushes the buttons on the beat machine until a flow worthy beat is cranked up.
VELVET J
I’ma die high bitch! I’ma die high bitch.
Khaos passes the blunt to the Alien then breaks off a bad ass flow. Music in (khaos Song
INT. -OLD BALLS HOME-- TIME UNKOWN
Old Balls is sitting in a worn out leather chair with house slippers on a nuts hanging nearly to the ground. Chance and Swallows sit infront of Old Balls with pale drugged faces.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
I guess it was Winston Churchill who first called me Old Balls. That there is one man with some large testis. His wife was a lesbo and so was mine. That’s how we met.
Chance pushes himself up.
CHANCE
If you don’t mind I need to use the restroom.
OLD BALLS-SLAW
Go ahead down the hall to your left. Jiggle the handle when you are done so the toilet don’t run.
Chance nods and slowly walks to the restroom. Once in the restroom Chance picks up the carpet covered toilet seat lip and begins to piss.
TOILET CREATURE
Heeeeyyyy up there!
Chance’s piss flies everywhere as he is frightened and backs away from the toilet. Worm type creature with a human looking face crawls out of the toilet.
TOILET CREATURE
You aren't my master. I’m just so used to balls hiting my face before piss that I knew it must be someone new. Wow!
CHANCE
Do you know the way out of here?
TOILET CREATURE
Not alot of people do but, you just happen to be talking to one that does.
CHANCE
Tell me I need to know.
The creature winks an eye and bites it’s lip.
TOILET CREATURE
It’s going to cost you.
Chance leans into the creatures face.
CHANCE
What?
TOILET CREATURE
You have to shit on my face.
INT. -GROW ROOM-- TIME UNKNOWN
The Alien nods his head to the beat.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Not bad true smokers. I have a little beat I’ve been working on.
COLE SLAW
Yeah what do you make beats with fruity loops? reason?
JAMAICAN ALIEN
My head. You will hear it telepathically.
Velvet J closes his eyes.
DON
It sounds like the theme to Heman masters of the universe.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
That’s because you are gay and have that song permanently stuck in you head to remind you of Dolph Lundgren.
KING KHAOS
Juvinile back that ass up.
SHITTNG WOMAN
Brittney Spears.
KING KHAOS
What you hear cole Slaw?
COLE SLAW
Ozzy.
COLE SLAW
What do you hear velvet?
There is a slight pause everyone looks at velvet J.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
The song you hear now is the same song you played the most ten years ago.
VELVET J
Tu Pac.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Your listening to the rap song with vanilla ice in ninja turtles part two. Don’t lie to us maaannn.
VELVET J
How the hell did you know that man?
COLE SLAW
Bitch, 5 minues ago he said he was telepathic. What do you think?
VELVET J
Well, I dont exactly know what telepathic means.
KHAOS
It means he can read your mind dumbass.
VELVET J
Oh, yeah.... I knew that. I just forgot.......
Velvet looks around as he trys to come up with a lie.
VELVET J
Because I am so HIGH! Yeah!!!!!
Everyone else looks at him like an idiot.
KHAOS
So Mr. (blank), do you suppose we you could tell us the way out of here. That is what we are trying to do.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
The way out? But you guys just got here. Don’t you wanna stay?
COLE SLAW
We would LOOOOVVVVEEEE to stay and hang with you man but we got things to do OUTSIDE of this tunnel.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Its just that everyone has always left me my whole life. I had to leave my home planet because no one would be my friend.
KHAOS
Did you shoot that fucking ray at everyone back home that tried to steal your weed?
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Yeeessss.
KHAOS
Well man, i got some news for you. Here on Earth everyone that smokes weed knows that your friends are gonna try and steal it.
COLE SLAW
Yeah man, a weed fiend is just that, A FIEND.
VELVET J
You guys steal my weed?
COLE SLAW AND KHAOS
SHUT UP!
JAMAICAN ALIEN
So your friends steal? Doesn't that make them not your friends?
COLE SLAW
No man, that just means that eventually you have to steal their weed.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
Oooooooohhhhhhh, I get it. Its like looking out from your buddies.
KHAOS
No, its more like knowing that your friends will jack you so you have no conscience when jacking them back.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
WOW! What a wonderful concept man. Its like sinning but like doing it on purpose man because you know everyone else gonna be in hell with ya.
The Psych Ward all look at each other oddly and without speaking unanimously decide that they have to leave.
COLE SLAW
Right on man.
KHAOS
Yeah fool, you nailed it on the fucking head.
VELVET J
Right on man, right on.
KHAOS
So Enlightened One. Will you show us the way out of this tunnel.
COLE SLAW
We have a journey to complete.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
I understand. The way out is through here. But I have to warn you that the most dangerous man in the world lies ahead of you. Watch your asses.
A door opens in a wall and a light appears in the door. The camera can only see the light and all the Psych Ward’s faces but you see there expressions change to complete joy. In side the door is a mansion. Without hesitation they all step inside.
INT. --TUNNEL/MANSION--
VELVET J
Holy FUCKING SHIT! This place is huge. It must have like a million rooms in it.
KHAOS
I would say somewhere around 30-40 is more like it.
COLE SLAW
Where are we?
SHITTNG WOMAN
This place is unbelievable.
KHAOS
I don’t see anything dangerous either. I think that Alien was bull-shiting.
SHITTNG WOMAN
I’ve bet this place has a phone. I’ve got to call my husband.
VELVET J
If you find one let me know. Places like this normaly dont block 900 numbers and I gotta gotsta get my jerk on. Its been like 13 hours and 42 minutes or something.
The shitting women disapears into a random room to find a phone. Khaos takes note and goes into the same room a few seconds later. As the door closes a beat comes in that has a “sexual edge”.
COLE SLAW
Damn dude. It has been a while for me too. It looks like Khaos is gonna be getting all the action tonight.
VELVET J
Well, there are plenty of rooms here. I think I am gonna pick one out and hit the hay.
COLE SLAW
Oh yeah man. Thats a reallllyyy good idea. I am pretty exhausted from such a long day. I am about to pass out.
VELVET J
Good night dude. We are almost free.
COLE SLAW
Gnight man.........Oh and uh, dude.
VELVET J
What is it man?
COLE SLAW
Could you not like, knock on my door or anything. I am gonna be needing to get me some Deeep sleep.
VELVET J
Deep sleep? Are you gonna go in there and whack off too?
Cole Slaw is incredibly emabarassed that he is caught.
COLE SLAW
Uh, yeah. So leave me the fuck alone.
Cole Closes the door quickly and takes a dive for the bed. (Insert Release).
INT. --UNDERGROUND--
Agent Swallows and Chance head down the tunnel with occasional breaks to vomit.
CHANCE
Something was in that Sody pop. I don’t know if that was a dream or real. All I know is I’m never going back.
The two agents sit down against the tunnel walls. Chance leans his head back as Swallows begins to stare down at the ground. Swallows shakes his head in disbelief as he points his flashlight on the ground in front of him. He picks up the piece of evidence and examines it in front of Chance.
SWALLOWS
Look! It’s another blunt tip.
JAMAICAN ALIEN
There is plenty more were that came from maaannnnn.
Swallows immediately pulls out his guns and blows the right arm off the Jamaican Alien. Chance regains his composer as he pulls out his weapon.
CHANCE
Holy Shit!
SWALLOWS
I didn't spend 5 years on the ninth level of an underground military base for nothing.
Swallows walks up to the body. Alien blood squirts out of the Jamaican's mouth and arm.
SWALLOWS
What you got here is a typical Grey. Far from home now are’nt we.
Swallows spits on the Jamaican Alien’s face and points the gun straight at the life form.
SWALLOWS
Holy shit did you see that. I fucking blew that alien to hell. I’m sick and fucking tired of being down here with you criminal scum. Now I want to know were the Psych Ward is and I want to know now!
INT. -TUNNEL/MANSION-- TIME UNKNOWN
Velvet Jay is laying in bed sleeping restlessly.
VELVET J (NARRORATING OUT OF BODY)
I’ve been in this tunnel too long, I have not been with a women since Crystol and even then I felt unsatisfied. I need some physical contact. I need a REAL release. Jacking off is not enough. I am only human. I would take anything I can get, anything, anything, anything.
The scene next cuts to Velvet J waking up in the morning in his room alone. He looks around and is glad to at least be in a bed in a nice house. He slept in the nude so when he stands there is a shot of his bare ass. Without any warning the door burst open and in comes Don wearing a speedo, a vest and holding 2 cups of coffee and a newspaper. Velvet J quickly grabs a sheet from the bed to cover his nudity from the Homosexual male.
VELVET J
Man, you need to learn to knock. I was naked man.
DON
Oh, now dont be silly. Just because the lights are on doesnt make any difference.
Velvet J has a puzzled look.
VELVET J
Well, i dont care if the lights are on or off. I dont want you being around me even when I am naked.
DON
You are such a grumpy gus in the morning. Have some coffee and purk yourself up! Guuurrrrr
As Don says that he flips Velvet J’s dick.
VELVET J
Man don’t do that.
DON
You were not saying that last night.
VELVET J
What do you mean man.
DON
When you came to my room and said you were having a bad dream?
VELVET J
I did?
DON
Yeah, you said it was too dark so I came in here with the flashlight and we played guiding light.
At that point Don picks up a Dildo shaped flashlight from the night stand and turns it on. When the light comes on it reveals that the dildo is covered in shit.
VELVET J
What is on the end of that? Is that shit man? Get that away from me!
DON
You are correct Velvet. It is shit. In fact, it is YOUR shit. Don’t you remember anything about last night?
VELVET J
NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As Velvet is screaming he looks at the bed where there is a huge red mark. It cuts back to Velvet’s room where it is still dark and the door is opening. Upon seeing the the shitting women hold a shoosh sign up over her mouth Velvet stops screaming and she crawls into bed with him.
The door to Cole Slaws room is opened. Velvet J tip toes inside and grabs the beat machine and turns in on full blast. Cole Slaw slowly pops out of the covers and greets Velvet with a smile.
VELVET J
What are you smiling at? I got something to tell you man.
Cole Slaw signals for Velvet to turn down the blasting beat machine and he complies.
VELVET J
Damn last night was pretty fucking awesome dude.
COLE SLAW
You are telling me man, I barely slept a wink.
VELVET J
Yeah me neither man, I fucked the bitch last night.
COLE SLAW
What bitch there is only one lady with us unless you are reffering to..
In another room don cradles the dildo light.
VELVET J
Listen I fucked that bitch that you have been trying to get with. So don’t hate on me for fucking what you couldn't. (upset)I don’t know if you are just in some kind of jealous denial right now or, what. I’m starting to fall in love with this women and I know its for real. Last night She came into my room about thirty minutes after we all went to bed. Then two minutes after that I came into her. We held each other until we passed out. We shared intimate details together that she will NEVER share with you or anybody else!!! We even went so far as to name our first kid. Do you wanna know his name is? Do you? Okay, I’ll tell you what it is. Its gonna be Velvet P. and the P stands for Philip and that is the name of her little baby brother that never had a chance to be born.....
While Velvet is rambling a tear rolls down his face as the shitting women slowly slips out from underneath Cole Slaw’s covers.
SHITTNG WOMAN
Velvet STOP!
He finally takes his eyes off Cole and sees the shitting women.
VELVET J
You MONSTER!!!!! How could you do this to me? Cold ass bitch!
He looks at Cole.
VELVET J
And you!!! I thought you were my friend!!!! AAhhwhwhaaaahwhwaaaaha
Velvet J turns quickly and begins to run the other way. Slowly getting out of bed and putting on his underwear starts to walk after Velvet.
COLE SLAW
I have to go after him.
As Velvet runs down the hall he sees Khaos to which he falls into his arms and collapses.
VELVET J
They took it. They took everything I ever cared about.
KING KHAOS
They took your weed? Man that ain't cool.
VELVET J
Not my weed you idiot! They took my women. They took my heart and splintered it with their very existance!!! Oh, why!!!!
KING KHAOS
Your woman? I didn't know you had a woman.
VELVET J
You know, man. That bitch Cole likes. I had my way with her.
KING KHAOS
I know you are not talking about Mrs. Weinberg. That's my bitch. Have you seen her?
VELVET J
I hate to break it to you man but she has moved on. After she left your room last night she came over to mine and we bonded. She isn't in to you any more.
KING KHAOS
So you fucked my girl? I won fair and square you little weasel. Once I hit that.. that made it mine. I can handle folks pinching a little weed nigga but I don't stand for no bitch taking get over here.
Khaos takes a dive for Velvet and takes him to the ground. They scuffle for a short while and then Cole steps into the room with the shitting women.
He graps Khaos and pulls him off of Velvet. Velvet gets up and points at Cole Slaw.
VELVET J
HOME WRECKER!!!!!!!!!!
He then runs at Cole and tackles him to the floor. Khaos looks at the two on the ground and heads for the shitting women. Once both Cole and Velvet see him approaching her they attack him.
Soon all three are in an all out brawl. The shitting women is sitting on the side lines freaking out as the Psych Ward tear each other apart.
The violence is all interrupted by a shot gun blast to a nearby vase.
The Psych Ward stop fighting and see none other than the President of the USA George Bush JR holding a double barrell shot-gun.
GEORGE BUSH JR.
Settle down boys. You have got a lot bigger problems once I get security down here.
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts to dial. Before he hits send the shitting women knocks the phone out of his hand with a fireplace poker.
He drops the phone and it breaks but he still maintains the gun and points it right at the woman.
GEORGE BUSH JR.
You just messed with the wrong President honey!
THE PSYCH WARD
NO!!!!!!!!!!!
GEORGE BUSH JR.
Oh, I see how it is. You boys care a lot about this women. Well let me assure as the President of this fine country erasing her by this time tomorrow would not be a problem.
SHITTNG WOMAN
You wouldnt dare!
GEORGE BUSH JR.
Oh I would. Now you three get on the ground or this bitch gets it!!!!
THE PSYCH WARD
Okay.......
GEORGE BUSH JR.
Now my backup should be down here any minute even though I didn't call them because I am the fucking President and that's just how I role but, until then I have some questions to ask like who are you and how the hell did you get in my basement?
VELVET J
We are escaped criminals. We ran away from a mental institute for the criminally insane, we found this tunnel and we met this dude named old balls and......
GEORGE BUSH JR.
SHUT UP!!!! Slow down! This is a secret entrance to the White House that only a few other people besides me know about and I want to know how you got here so I know who to KILL!!!!
KHAOS
This guy named Don brought us here.
COLE SLAW
Yeah, he is about this tall and real skinny. He is a real fruitcake if you know what I mean.
The President looks into the distance sadly and mumbles
GEORGE BUSH JR.
Donnie........Donnie how could you?
GEORGE BUSH JR.
You are liars! You are all liars. Donnie said he would never tell anyone about this place. This was our place.
At this point Donnie comes into sight behind George holding the flashlight and brandishing it as a weapon. The others try to distract Bush with talk.
COLE SLAW
Don always did seem like the back stabbing type. You know he's got a man that he lives with down in the tunnel too?
GEORGE BUSH JR.
He wouldn't dare.
George Bush turns around only to have the weapon knocked out of his hand by Don’s light. Don then takes the light and slaps it across Bush’s face leaving a large mushroom mark.
COLE SLAW
Damn!
Bush falls to the floor and looks up at
DON
I’m tired of staying in the tunnel for you. I’m not keeping this secret anymore.
COLE SLAW
You don’t have to. I have recorded the entire conversation.
GEORGE BUSH JR.
You just hold on one second little whiper snapper. This don’t need to leave the room if you know what I am saying. You say that you boys are criminals. How about a full pardon?
KHAOS
I can agree to that. Plus a couple of million dollars.
GEORGE BUSH JR.
You are right Donnie I should have never pretended not to love you.
VELVET J
You two queers have been catching too much.
KHAOS
Looks at velvet J with a perplexed expression.
VELVET J
You are only gay if you take it.
Velvet J smiles and stares at Khaos with dilated pupils.
KHAOS
What are you eating.
VELVET J
Brownies that Old Balls gave me. You want one?
Cole Slaw runs over and grabs a brownie.
COLE SLAW
Brownies hell yeah, I’m starving. Gimme them.
Cole Slaw begins to stuff his face then hands Khaos one.
KHAOS
Fuck it.
Khaos begins to chow down. Cole Slaw turns the beat machine on and starts to play a new beat as the group gets together for a final jam session. At the end of the song they all sit on a long couch and pass a blunt.
GEORGE BUSH JR.
Damn, this is some fucked up shit. I am the president.
COLE SLAW
I can finally say I fucked in the White House.
A picture of Donnie is displayed.
Text: Don went back into the tunnel with his light and lived happily ever after. Really happily.
A picture of George Bush is displayed.
Text:Lives as Don and Cal’s sex slave while a synthetic robot like his wife replaces his body above ground.
A picture of Chance and Swallows is displayed.
Text: Shortly after relishing in victory Chance and Swallows were killed. The alien’s regenerative powers enabled him to regrow his arm and kill the two agents.
A picture of Raw Slaw is displayed.
Text: Raw Slaw went on to trip balls the rest of his life happily
A picture of the shitting Woman is displayed.
Text: The shitting woman went on to have a baby with her jewish husband. The baby was half black.
A picture of King Khaos is displayed.
Text:Khaos now lives in Toronto with his newly adopted son. He owns three car dealerships and gets high everyday.
A picture of Velvet J is displayed.
Text:Velvet J is now leading one of the largest cults since David keresch.
A picture of Cole Slaw J is displayed.
Text: Slaw record label was released shortly after exiting the tunnel. Cole Slaw is getting paid alot of money to make beats and uses the money to humiliate unwed pregnant mothers in a reality television show called “What would I do for a million Cole Slaws”
A picture of Darrel is displayed.
Text: Darrel won the lottery shot his wife and paid his way out of jail.
EXT. -- COUNTRY HOME -- SUNDAY AFTERNOON
Little Billy pulls on Grandpa's hand.
LITTLE BILLY
What ever happened to Old Balls grandpa.
Grandpa crosses his legs and balls are visible around ankle level.
GRANDPA
Well, nobody really saw Old Balls after the Pysch Ward was pardoned.
One of the kids had wondered over to the radio and turns the dial as the volume is increased.
LITTLE BILLY
It’s Pysch Ward! Turn that shit up!
One of the kids comes up behind the old man and slips a rope around his neck and pulls him to the ground as Little Billy and the others gather around him kicking and punching grandpa unconscious. The credits begin to roll.
VelvetJ flow;
www.myspace.com/thisiskhaos2
THE END
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